Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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I really don't know.

I'm feeling so much yet so little right now. I'm afraid of facing my illness, I'm afraid to accept affection, because I feel like I will only let down the giver. I'm afraid of what I have to tell you.
I'm afraid that one of my fears is coming true. That I'm pushing myself so hard that all I'm doing is causing more damage. I was doing better, I was doing slightly okay for a little while, for longer periods of time, but now it's all dissolved and I am scared that I will just crumble and my mind will shatter and all I will be is someone to pity and try to have good memories of. I know. I do. My mother, she told me it would break her heart. I don't want this to happen to me, but I don't know how to stop it either. I am so scared. I know that I am at a turning point in my life. Either I will slide downhill or make the long struggle up and use that potential that I have, and reach the simplistic dreams I have for myself. All I want is a normal life. Maybe you will tell me there is no such thing.

"...I see bits of you in me/I am poor in most everything/but I will get a crown of kings/and I don't know where you'll be/I hope it's with me/in the sky/looking down way below/waving goodbye" ~Waving Goodbye, Bleach

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