Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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I never thought buying shampoo would be so difficult.

I've done some really fucked up things this past week. It has put a lot of strain on my body.
Monday: got stoned, 2 beers
Tuesday: half a beer
Wednesday: 2 beers, a handful of Ibuprofen, 7 joints
Thursday: 4-6 joints
Friday: 4 glasses of vodka and cranbery juice, plus a joint
Saturday: a handful of Tylenol and a beer

I know I shouldn't do this stuff to myself. On Friday I really wanted to get fucked up, but I won't steal people's prescription meds, so there was nothing for me to take. I know what I was doing wasn't good for me, but I just wanted to stay in a kind of fuct up limbo so that I wouldn't have to decide which way for things to go. So now I'm paying for it. I completely accept the reprocussions of my irresponsibility. I am making sure I rest a lot and drink plenty of water. I'm not too worried about it. The worst that could happen is I get sick (like the flu or something). I know I've put a lot of strain on my heart, so I'm trying to take it easy and not get too emotional. I've got to the point where I'm tired of sleeping, cuz every time I lay down, I doze for a few hours. Ian says I look pale, and I feel cold. Amber is kinda giving me a hard time about it. I think she might think I'm complaining? I totally know I deserve what I did to myself. Some people know it isn't about attention, but about trying to escape. No more though. I think part of the reason I'm making myself suffer through this is to scare myself straight.

The thunder sounds nice... Next week I'm going to see doctor Zrinscak and tell her what's been going on. I am going to ask about going on Epival (a mood stabilizer) and see if she can get me into therapy again or if she thinks I should check into the hospital. There are some pretty messed up things about me, like how I like looking strung out and such.
I don't know how I am going to make any money this summer. I really can't work in the state I'm in at the moment (except maybe something hokus_mouse is trying to set up for me), and therapy and doctor's visits will be filling up most of my schedule. Not that it's a huge issue... There are just things I'd like to do and bills I'd like to pay...

I also have to figure out if I've been molested... (More on that later.)

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