Just for fun, I am going to answer the questions. :P
If you're bored, try to come up with better answers. :)
1. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?
Depends if she's working at the time.
2. Can you cry under water?
3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
I think an assassination is technically the murder of someone with political ties. Do not become a politician.
4. Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
5. Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
No, there is nothing physical in the afterlife.
6. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Because pi(e) are square and round.
7. What disease did cured ham actually have?
The unfortunate state of being uncured.
8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Because we were less lazy in 1960 than we were in 1990.
9. Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?
I'm assuming because older humans perceive a baby's sleep to be quite peaceful.
10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If a man speaks in the middle of a forrest, is he still wrong?
11. Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Because if you were IN TV, you would not be able to appear ON a movie.
12. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
13. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway...
14. Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
Ask the person who invented the word "pants".
15. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Not every human being is decent, and not everyone has good taste.
16. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
It's probably one of those depression-era songs.
17. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
It was his secret plan all along!
18. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Pluto is the pet.
19. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Because somebody had to keep ACME in business! And because he is determined to succeed!
20. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Wise-asses like you.
21. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
As a by-product, yes.
22. Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Yes, and the theme from Barney is the same as "This Old Man".
23. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't, because I already knew the answer to that question.
24. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?
25. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Nope. I avoid all dogs whenever possible.
26. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?
In case it is not the battery.
27. Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?
To punish you!
28. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Because it is a lot easier and quicker to check that fact for themself.
29. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Habit, and so the family of the deceased can't sue the state.
30. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Cuz Jane doesn't like facial hair.
31. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
It's probably easier.
32. Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
33. Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?
34. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Those are the "slow" students.
35. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Does it really matter?
36. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Technically, there has to be at least one day that they are regularly priced, or else it is false advertising that they are on sale.
37. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
You mean your frige doesn't restock itself??
38. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
I really don't know since I have never done this. I suppose either boredom or the idea that it is easier to vaccuum it up than to stop vaccuumming, take the string to the receptacle, return to the vaccuumm and finish the task.
39. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
Because you are trying to open the bottom.
40. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
41. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'
Because it is not worth the confrontation.
42. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
43. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
I don't know where you live, but it is nothing like that here.
44. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Cuz they will beat your ass, or they are dead-beats.