distressedOther than organising, we went out to get a few necessities and also to do laundry. There was this "crazy woman" there who kept saying she was sane but told the craziest stories. Made me think of the kind of people Kim often meets. Haha.
We watched an episode of Coupling before Leah passed out, so I put on the Newsboys video and got fired up enough to write them another letter. (They have yet to release the movie onto DVD and it's been out for YEARS. I'm beginning to suspect there may be a licensing issue?) Like, dude, even the H2G2 tv series is on dvd. Everything is practically on dvd these days, EXCEPT THEIR VIDEO. :(
I am (still) so spiritually confused. I listen to their music and feel like I am missing something, but I went through so much heartache and hardship because of the church. I'm trying to examine both sides of the coin simultaneously, it seems. I just don't know if I can get past all my issues enough to have a close relationship with God. (I can't believe I am even writing this here, as I rarely ever talk about it.) Why does something that is supposed to be amazing (and has been at some points in my life) hurt so much?? I'm reading a book by Richard Dawkins and his arguements just don't hold much water. But we are conditioned to avoid pain. I so hate my past sometimes. Of course, I wouldn't be who I am today without it, but that doesn't make it stop.
Mark said if you change the way you look at something, your feelings about it will eventually change. I guess his arguement made sense, but I'm notoriously irrational with my emotions. (Yay disorder.)
And, for the first time in the 9 years I've been on the pill, I'm still spotting... Why? If it doesn't stop by next week I'll call a nurse or something.
Right now, I really just want to cry and delve into the pain; let it flood me, to get it over with.
For so long my life's been sewn up tight inside your hold
And it leaves me there without a place to call my own
I know now what shadows can see
There's no point in running 'less you run with me
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you cut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end
And I feel the cold wind blowing beneath my wings
It always leads me back to suffering
But I will soar until the wind whips me down
Leaves me beaten on unholy ground again
So tired now of paying my dues
I start out strong but then I always lose
It's half the distance before you leave me behind
It's such a waste of time
[Chorus]
'Cause my shackles
You won't be
And my rapture
You won't believe
And deep inside you will bleed for me
So here I slave inside of a broken dream
Forever holding on to splitting seams
So take your piece and leave me alone to die
I don't need you to keep my faith alive
I know now what trouble can be
And why it follows me so easily
It's half the distance through the open door
Before you shut me down
Again
Let me introduce you to the end
[Chorus]
Though you know you care
[Chorus]
And my laughter
You won't hear
The faster
I disappear
And time will burn your eyes to tears
Jeffery is not in season 4 of Coupling. :(
