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Goodbye, Phil. :( - Just love me or leave me alone. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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Goodbye, Phil. :( [Jan. 12th, 2009|02:53 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]
[Current Music |Newsboys]

Is it enough just to exist? I am so incapable of tolerating my own emotions. If I feel anything strong, I disassociate. I used to really thrive off of strong feelings and crave them even, but now - although I sometimes miss them - I just am unable to tolerate any feeling outside of my normal flat line.

And I'm guessing this is BPD related, but I'm not entirely sure. I am so upset about a certain member of my favourite band leaving the group. Like, just heard a song with him singing harmonies and I felt immensely sad about him not being in the band anymore. I think this is cliche or something but seriously, this band has saved my life so many times (well, their music, but also their faith that is conveyed through their work). It feels stupid to be this upset. It's not like the band is breaking up. And an original member of the band is even coming back.
In 2007, Phil Joel announced that he would leave the band to pursue his own projects and albums, bringing his time with the band to a close.
Why am I so upset about this??? I was a fan before he joined, and I shall continue to remain a fan. Part of me is really hoping it wasn't a stupid squabble, such as what led DC Talk to break up. I don't know. I've also never ever liked change all that much, so perhaps that is playing a role as well.
Anyway, enough of that.

[User Picture]From: scarred_tigger
2009-01-12 09:29 pm (UTC)

I'm also intolerable of my emotions, so you're not alone in that. I've missed you, glad you're back though. I hope you're as ok as is possible sweetheart?
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2009-01-12 10:02 pm (UTC)
I'm around. My sister is still over until Friday, and then will be back again in 3 weeks until she finds her own place out here. Puts a kink in my routine, but I love having her here.
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[User Picture]From: xlife_n_deathx
2009-01-15 10:36 pm (UTC)
Is it enough just to exist?
No, but a lot of us do it anyway. I find it hard to care about anything, much less living. I find it hard just to do simple things. Sometimes, it's really hard just existing. I feel a sense of being trapped in someone else's life quite often. I'm not sure any of this has anything to do with this entry though.
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2009-01-16 12:03 am (UTC)
I appreciate your comment.

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