||[Oct. 2nd, 2007|04:46 pm]
You may be good at keeping yourself off the internet, but I can still find you.
I want to vent, but don't really want to talk about it either. I hate how dreams can affect me so much, but I think I am processing it alright.
Too many thoughts in my head. Yes, I blame her, but not personally. Simply because I believe that if it wasn't for her, none of this would have ever happened the way it did. She is nice enough and I don't want to hate her, but my relationship was with you, not with her, and you trying to shove me off onto your wife when you didn't have time for me was not fair or right.
This sounds so much more wrong than it
is was. You were my mentor and my lifeline. I was an attention-starved, faith-questionning teenager. Maybe you never saw the whole picture. I was never in love with you. So why did you say that I would destroy your family? I live two entire provinces away from you! I looked up to you and you had taken on a societal role which obligated you to offer me guidance, but I guess my questions and doubt were too much for you. Really, I have no idea what went wrong. I was still undiagnosed at the time. Maybe if you knew me now you'd be praying for the demon to be cast out of me.
The way you reacted to me hasn't done anything good as far as my abandonment issues are concerned. You came to church when I was young and you were friendly. We were baptised together. Then you went away to Bible school and I missed you. You came back years later with a wife and a son. You were employed to be my youth pastor and a year later you left again and blew me off. How is this Christ-like in any way? I almost fell off a cliff once, and it feels like you were one of the people standing there going to let me fall. One of the last things you said to me in person was that if you got to heaven and I wasn't there, that you would be very disappointed in me. I wonder if you still feel that way now or if that changed once you "realised" that I was going to destroy your family. How can you say this to a kid? How can you claim to be a pastor and abandon someone because they are having doubts about their faith? I try not to point fingers, but my therapist says it is important to assign responsibility to those who have done me wrong. All I ever did was look up to you. I craved your conviction; you were a rolemodel.
I don't think it is her that had the problems. When I phoned to appologise for getting you in trouble with my dad, it was her that picked up and she went out to the parking lot to get you before you went on your way. I know that lying is wrong, but did you even for a second wonder what my motivation could have been? Or is that irrelevant because sin is sin no matter what.
And those times I went with her on bike rides or went over to help her clean up the apartment, when you weren't even there. If she had a problem with me, wouldn't she have rejected my company? You played it like the situation was disturbing her, but she wasn't the one who told me that I would destroy her family. Yes, I'm caught up on that statement, did you finally notice?
Yes, I do want you to feel bad. I want you to be aware that you severely hurt someone that depended on you. I want you to feel sorry for abandoning me, and maybe even a tiny bit responsible for some of the things that have happened to me since then because of your words. Or maybe I'm just looking for sympathy or pity, although I doubt there's any chance of the former happening. Pity, I can almost guarantee; especially if your "faith" hasn't changed. You can just simply blame all of this on the result of me living in sin. I don't think that God would really let you off that easy. Adults are supposed to be responsible for children, even children who think that they may already be adults. I have suffered so much grief and pain in my life while trying to serve God. You may not think so, but going from bad to good, the light seems brighter. Living in oblivion while trying to pierce the darkness becomes futile after so long. For someone who claims to love God, you don't seem empathetic at all.
I'm running out of words now unless I start jumping into stories that don't involve you. It's been...6 or 7 years and I am still wrapped up in this. I wonder if you ever even pass a thought my way. I shed too many tears over you and still more are forming.
Nothing is true.