Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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How long until they lock me up?

{These are my plans/these are my thoughts/these are my friends/and these are my nasty little thoughts/I wrote them down for you to contemplate/at a later date}
Everything is driving me nuts! Every single little thing reminds me of my symptoms: my seemingly undirected speech, lack of focus in reading, lethargy, depression, violent/negative thoughts, stimming, distraction, lack of concentration, inappropriate affect, social inabilities, anxieties, compulsions, phobias... all of it is driving me insane!
Finding out that the doctors are going to want to hand me meds and say it's a done deal has made this whole process that much worse. (I don't want meds.) Just going to hand the letter to the physcian to sign a referral to the psychiatrist is going to have me so fucked up I'll probably be incoherrent and crying for the rest of the week. I really wish you weren't sick, and not just because I need you for this. For some reason I wish you weren't sick as much as I wish DNA (Douglas Adams) wasn't dead. I even mentioned that I would make a small sacrifice if it would make you well at all.
...mewing, childlike excitement, inability at nonassociative learning...
I don't know why I feel these things, I just do, and to me that's the important part.
Over-reacting...heh. We were talking about children with Tourette's Syndrome today. They go into frenzy when they get overstimulated. They don't remember tearing off the cupboard doors or breaking the plate glass picture window or putting a hole in the wall. Frenzy. But they call it storming. Or rage.
...hiding, isolation... That might be because of the abuse.
Last night I was remembering the nosebleeds I used to get throughout childhood. Most of the time they would last for over an hour. You have no idea how exhausting that is, especially when you're a little kid and don't have that much blood to begin with. My mother would always have to come pick me up from school because all I could do for the rest of the day would be lie down. And I never actually walked until after I was four and still tried to get away with it whenever possible until it became non-adaptive (which I forgot to mention this to Dr. V.)
Well, I guess this is enough rabbling until something else comes up. I need to read more for my test on Fri. I really need someone for Wed but I doubt anyone will be available. Maybe I'll have to ask Dr. V. to go with me... (This is so hard.)
Oh yeah, when I get upset, my ears deafen.

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