Still kinda miffed at my therapist for scheduling my appointment so far away. In a way maybe it is good, I have to deal more with myself and definately have the urge/creativity to write more.
Music playing in my brain: "I think I love you" by the partridge family and "sleep together" by garbage.
Choir was cancelled tonight because there was no heating in the practice hall.
Emotionally, I'm in one of those places where I can't feel anything. Not even love, which is supposed to be the strongest emotion (or is that hate?) Intellectually, I know that there are people who love me, but I can't feel it. Probably this is what is preventing me from being happy. Maybe I am pressuring myself too much. Just that, when you want something so bad, it seems impossible to obtain. And actually, I do still feel some things, but mainly very negative feelings. (Like when I cried for half an hour last night.) I swear I am completely teeter-tottering. One minute I am convinced I need to be re-admitted, the next I am rationalising why that is unnecessary. I'm just at the point where I can rationalise away my impulses, so I end up feeling crazy for what I felt like doing two seconds ago.
(eg. thought1: I don't deserve to be sleeping on the bed; I should be sleeping on the floor.
thought2: That's a stupid idea. When someone wakes up they will ask you why you are down there on the floor and what kind of answer are you going to give them?
thought2: Just shut up.)
So, yeah, that's been me lately.
And then, my sister sends me a frantic email asking for money that she needs by tomorrow. A) The bank had closed by the time I read her email; B) I don't have any money to put in her account. I already gave her $200 at the beginning of the month, and it might not seem like it, but I have my own expenses to pay.
Speaking of which, my lappy has inched a little closer to the grave. About a year ago, the ps/2 port died on me. This problem was fixed *cough* circumvented *cough* by buying a USB mouse. Well, USB port 1 is now pretty dead. The mouse had been disconnecting at random for awhile but was usually "fixed" by unplugging and replugging in the USB connector. Well, tonight, that failed. So it is on to USB port 2 and once that dies, I'm pretty much screwed, as I will be unable to use any of my external drives or my iPod. :( The soundcard also stops working every so often, but so far this is easily remedied by a system reboot.
Tomorrow is a visit to oma and hopefully *fingers crossed* get to see my highschool friend Jess (if I get home in time). After that, who knows what the future holds. For now, it is chunkymonkey icecream and an episode of DeadLikeMe before bed.