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I don't know if I am going to be able to find the words I want to… - Just love me or leave me alone. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
Peripheral

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[Jan. 11th, 2007|12:57 am]
Peripheral
[Current Mood |confusedconfused]

I don't know if I am going to be able to find the words I want to say, but I have to begin somewhere. I'm not sure who to talk to. I don't know whether to end things with my boyfriend or to try to make things work. I don't know if he can be what I need. That sounds selfish, but who do we live for if not for ourselves? I started thinking about this in November, while I was in Alberta. I don't know if our lifestyles will ever mesh. I don't know if I am settling for something "safe". He's already made so many changes for me, and what if this last one turns out to confirm my doubts? I'm worried about ending things too soon, in case they work out (and in case I end up alone) but I don't want to drag things out, because that will only hurt him more in the end. Things are starting to feel a lot like the way they did with Graham, kinda that I am letting him believe what he wants, because I am too insecure to make a decision. I feel even more guilty because of the amount of gifts that were piled on me by his family this past Christmas. How can I say, "Thanks for the stuff, I'm breaking up with you"? I've been responsible for most of the breakups in my life. The only two I can think of who left me were guys I was seeing on the side (and it still hurt like hell). Yes, I am a heartbreaker, but that doesn't mean that I don't die inside every time. Thoughts of my uncle keep resurfacing as well. I really do think that he didn't come pick up his inheritance because he's still pissy that his neice didn't want to fuck him. Maybe that's conceited, but I wouldn't put it past him.
Why the fuck can't I just be happy with what I have? Why is happiness so fleeting? Why do I inherently fuck up everything good in my life?
I'm also scared because my therapist has begun scheduling my sessions farther apart. I am terrified of the possibility that I might be deemed "cured" or "functional". The broken pieces are the ones I know so well. They are always with me. I had a hard enough time gaining acceptance as a "mental patient" and the one identity that I fit into might be taken away from me. I can't function on a daily basis. I think I live about 10% of each day. I don't want to relieve the days were I dreaded waking up every morning. I just want to be me.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: _leafy
2007-01-11 04:50 pm (UTC)
Well, all I can say is that settling is not the way to go even though it's usually much easier than to make drastic decisions. I don't think you're fucking up everything good, maybe that's just your heart telling you to keep looking and not giving up until you find whatever it is that you're really looking for.

*warm hugs* I'm here if you need to talk to someone. ♥
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2007-01-11 08:27 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I'm just totally confused and basically all of this just keeps running through my head in circles.
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[User Picture]From: _leafy
2007-01-11 09:50 pm (UTC)
Understandable. I hope things will get better for you soon. Confusion sure is exhausting.

:)
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[User Picture]From: 980iana
2007-01-11 08:08 pm (UTC)
I'm here for you, whatever you decide.
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2007-01-11 08:20 pm (UTC)
:) Thanks, duck.
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[User Picture]From: hokus_mouse
2007-01-12 12:57 am (UTC)
I'm in the ame situation
it's a scary place to jump from
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2007-01-12 01:13 am (UTC)
Can we just ditch the boys and be together?
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[User Picture]From: hokus_mouse
2007-01-12 10:52 pm (UTC)
Can we? Good question. I can say that if I had what and who I really wanted this whole life would different and what if ever scarier then change?
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[User Picture]From: xlife_n_deathx
2007-01-14 01:31 am (UTC)
I say ditch the boys and stick with girls.
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