I feel like an earthquake has just ruptured through the middle of my life and I'm left having to decide which piece I want to rebuild on because the crevice runs right through it.
There are so many crazy things running through my head right now: I want to be in the hospital. I want to be away from here. I want to stop hurting. I want to write crazy things inside my books and give them away. I want to minimize my possessions. I want to belong to someone. I want something to look forward to. I want to leave everything behind and just start over.
I am so detached right now. I feel that holding onto your hand is the only thing that's keeping me here on Earth right now. That if you left me, I'd drift away. That your kisses are what's keeping me alive. Not just you. Every one of you. Making it through tonight is going to be tremendously difficult. I have to fight the belief that I'm only stalling; that I'm giving up the courage that I need to take the plunge. Maybe I really do need to just start over, to forget about everything. But, "Think about it," everyone says. I'm tired of thinking. My head hurts and I'm tired - but I need to think. I want to get rid of things. Maybe I'm getting rid of everything because the one thing that I want to get rid of most, I can't. I don't want to be this person; I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to stop hurting myself. I don't want to be the fragile victim any longer. But I don't know how.
Decision time, and I don't know who to listen to. Should I stay and continue to trudge through this quicksand, or should I pull myself out and head off? ...leave it all behind...