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In a way, I wish that I had more to write about. I feel crappy when… - Just love me or leave me alone. [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[May. 9th, 2006|12:10 am]
In a way, I wish that I had more to write about. I feel crappy when friends post several times a day and I'm lucky if I have something to say once a week. I guess I wish that I was more obviously interesting. I think that I am interesting, just not very good at portraying that through LJ posts. Or it might be that I try to block out Society from my Reality so much that any interaction I may have is ignored or downplayed in my mind. Also, "living in the moment" makes it difficult to remember how you felt five minutes ago, let alone long enough to compile an entry. I still do not want to be in this world. I exist because it is expected of me. I was severely tempted earlier this week to chemically induce a week long slumber, but apparently I have enough ties to the "Real World" to prohibit me from doing so.
My boyfriend still doesn't read this. He won't sign up (and my filter is Friends Only by default).
My food intake has been horrible for the past several days. I haven't eaten a real meal since Wednesday. I seriously need to stop drinking pop. It makes my IBS flare up and really I should be living on a diet of water before it gets any worse but so much about eating is habitual: I wake up. I have cereal. It's like a default setting in my life. It wasn't always like this, but even when I wasn't eating, I would have a Nutrigrain bar with a glass of diluted milk in the AM. I just feel that I can't write anything good unless I am upset. Sometimes I deliberately trigger myself just so that I can feel something again.
Does anyone else experience physical pain in their dreams? I had another one of those this morning. I wanted to wake up so that the pain would stop, but I couldn't wake up, and when I did, I had a horrible feeling. I guess it was the kind of dream that a small child would wake up from to cry for mommy. But my mommy is not here and there really is a monster in the closet.

I really should start walking again. Everywhere. Winter is over; I no longer have the excuse of it being too cold. Just gotta force myself to be motivated. *sigh* So much easier said than done. I used to walk so much. I walked 1 kilometre to school from grade 6 to 8. I once in awhile would walk the 3 hours home from highschool. I would walk halfway across town my first year of Uni, and walk all the way downtown in my second and third years. It's so much better when you have someone to walk with. Maybe I should just start by taking walks around the block with my mp3 player. I need to go mail a letter anyway. I just hate traffic and dogs; need someone to protect me.

I never got around to mentioning that my bf (fianlly) met my gf. We definatley need to spend some more social time together though.

(This) Mexican salsa is watery. And mild.

[User Picture]From: whorishness
2006-05-09 06:01 am (UTC)
if my posts arent bitchy or emo, they're a photo set. whoo.
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2006-05-09 07:20 am (UTC)
I like your photo sets, they are gorgeous!
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[User Picture]From: sexyblueduck
2006-05-09 07:14 am (UTC)
I post funny stuff. It's rare that I ever post about things that mean anything to me. Last time I did, my woman yelled at me.

I started running a couple days ago. Such a great feeling :D
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[User Picture]From: nineveh_rains
2006-05-09 07:21 am (UTC)
I read about your adventures in running. I don't quiet have the energy for that.

I like when you post real life stuff. It's too bad you got bitched out, but it's good to know what's going on with you once in awhile. *hugs*
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[User Picture]From: sexyblueduck
2006-05-09 07:43 am (UTC)
:) ill try my best to keep it up
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[User Picture]From: sashy
2006-05-09 09:29 am (UTC)
I used to walk (not everywhere like from Chippawa to Niagara, but you know.. around and stuff) and as soon as I got a car that stopped. I drive to the gas station now - its a 10min walk! Oooh, lazy. I lurve thee. lol
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