Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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Dear friends & family,

My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time
and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for
making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal
an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because
of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these
products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

Nor do I use 'Swiffer' mops as they leave an ingredient that is lethal to
pets & children on the floor. (Maybe that's why we no longer have any

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a
perfume sample, rob me, & steal my car.

If I do happen to see a piece of paper stuck anywhere on my car, I
immediately call '9-1-1'. The local Niagara Regional Police now know me by
name and that makes me feel very safe although I did overhear one officer
say that he, for one, was sorry that I sold the '9-1-1' System to the
Regional Municipality of Niagara back in 1988. I can't imagine why.

I no longer receive packages from nor send packages by UPS or FedEx since
they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number
with area code '809' for which I will get a HUGE phone bill with calls to
Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

Furthermore, now I never turn on my cell phone (except to place a call)
because I now know that telemarketers have my number.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my
free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

I am, however, somewhat exhausted from searching extensively for the
family of the (probably orphaned) girl who was found after that terrible

I no longer worry about my soul, though, because at last count I have
363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I
forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is
about to die in the hospital (for the 258th time).

I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive
the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their
special e-mail program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now
return the favor:

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7
minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your
head at 5:00 PM (DST) tomorrow. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's beautician.

I thank you again for your unswerving care for my well-being!

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