Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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Some thoughts while half-asleep in Stats

I like to sleep in the sun. I like when someone watches me while I sleep. Sometimes I like to sleep alone. Other times I am scared to sleep. If I stay awake this might be a dream, but if I sleep I will be sucked into the other world that consists only of the improbable and disjointed.

Today we learned about suicide in class and everyone was getting depressed abot it but it helped me to feel normal.

[continued now]
Sometimes I still feel unstable, sometimes I feel like I can't express myself the way I used to. I cry less now, and in general it's a good thing but sometimes disappointing. I still have emotions, which is something I was worried about losing when I started the meds, but I feel okay about them now. I don't know about the mood stabilizers. I think I'm doing okay without them, but I'll talk about it with Dr. Z tomorrow.
The other night a bunch of us were partying and it suddenly hit me that I was the most popular person in the room. I have never thought of myself as popular, which says something about the people I was with (sorry, no offense). determination told me once how it's important who you hang out with, and like j_cat and I discussed, you can pick up negative traits from people you surround yourself with.
For the past couple of days, I've felt pretty strong within myself. I went swimming yesterday without anyone, which I never would have been able to do before. I'm feeling more confident about who I am and the decisions I've made. This feels really good, especailly because I don't recall ever feeling this way in my life at all.
So, I hope all of you are happy for me. It sure as hell has been a difficult journey, but I think I'm finally getting the rest I've so desperately yearned for my entire life.

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