Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

I want to call you up and ask you to come over after work. But that isn't fair to you.

The things that matter most to me are pieces of paper and my cat that is dead.

I feel like I am getting away with doing nothing. I've worked my whole life building it up so that I no longer have to do anything. And now I am doing nothing.

I miss my life. I feel like I am trying to borrow other people's lives. I am living vicariously through my friends. You with your 9 to 5 and she with her post-grad schooling. You with your fulfilling love life and she out on her own with her lover. And the rest of you, somehow struggling through it all, supporting yourselves financially in spite of it all. I believe that I cannot do these things. I AM PERIPHERAL. I am not important. I am not meaningful or effective or beautiful. I try to make myself feel pretty, but that always involves some type of regression.

Everyone says not to dwell on the past. But the past is familiar. I can cope with the past. The future is indefinate and uncertain and I cannot cope with that. My dreams are so far away and feel so out of reach. Where's the fastforward button? Or the pause button? Or even rewind? And why can't I be stable? Even if I felt like this all of the time, it would be better than the hopeful/desolate swing of this.

This is what happens when I try to brush off the thoughts. They collect and crash down on top of me.

I have never been on good terms with Reality.

Reality is what exists. Existence exists.
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. I've felt this way my entire life! You know that feeling you sometimes get that you are supposed to be somewhere? It's kind of like that only I get this overwhelming conviction that I am in the wrong place every single day of my life. I feel like I substract from the fullness of life of others. You could be successful and prosperous if you'd stop wasting time with me.

I HATE ALL OF THESE CORE BELIEFS!!! Knowing why the fuck I think a certain way is NOT helping any! It just makes me frustrated with myself of why can't I just get over it and get it together. Mark does not seem to understand this. I told him I try to figure out my triggers and then I just get frustrated and he just kept saying "well, you should try to figure out your triggers". WTFingF?!

Law of Identity: A thing is itself.
I. don't. exist.
There are many theories about why I tell myself this. One of them is because I don't want to believe that what I feel is Real. The other is that I can't bear the idea that I have an impact on others. (Although I was told it is not possible NOT to impact others, whether dead or alive.) So, major case of denial.

Man is a rational being, but rationality is a matter of choice.
Mark is trying to get me to see that emotional does not necessarily equal irrational, but it is a real struggle for me. Us BPDs with our "black & white thinking" makes it really difficult to see how something can be some of both.

Rationality rests on the recognition of the fact that existence exists.
Well, there seems to be my problem.

Anxiety is man's hidden dread of inability to deal with existence.
As _leafy said, "Exactly".

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