Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

I don't want to sleep

Maybe I'm trying to convince myself, that if I'm not asleep, this must be a dream.

...I see, as I dream, that it's all ripped at the seams
and I swear that it tears apart my reality

come a little closer
and you will see
all the evil next to me
all the demons and half blind
and maybe next time you'll be fine
my name is disturbance
my signature is rain
you left me with a headache
now I'm showing you real pain
subconscious is immortal
each loss adds to my gain
pretty soon you'll start to see
everyone is less than sane
you come with problems
to dump on me
as I slam the door
and turn the key
all this heartache that's not mine
leaves me more drunk
than expensive wine
you came with disturbance
and left with the rain
I came to see your heart break
and blood run down the drain
subtracting from the total
equalize the pain
consequences proving
everyone is less than sane

this is me
sobbing at your feet
you stand and watch me weep
and the song plays on
this is me
lying on the floor
while you dance and just ignore
the song that keeps on playing
this is me
trying to confess
while all around you is a mess
the song has caused distraction
this is me
jumping up and down
lost in the crowd
their noise drowns out the song
this is me
here I am
accept me if you will
this song accepts everyone
this is me
swirling very fast
vanished like a flash
that's how the song is ended
this is me
and this is my music
the song that you hear
is the song of life

if I die, will you cry?
if I sing, will you weep?
there is an angel inside
but her wings are caught
like a fly in a web
in the darkness that surrounds her
if I cry, will you laugh?
if I suffer, will you rejoice?
there is wickedness inside
it's starting to show
it is killing the time
that is already dead
there are words that should be spoken
and some things be left unsaid
but the words that you give me
make me unhappy
I always thought you were
my salvation
but you turned out to be
my hardship

here beside the quiet deep
the plagues of grief
I beg them sleep
last breath I heard
last mournful sound
last tear you shed
then lay me down
lay me down
it hurts so much
lay me down
to peaceful touch
lay me down
in dark of rest
lay me down
you will be blessed
here within the whispering trees
the arms of void
will bring me peace
amongst the lost
amongst the found
amongst the years
please lay me down
lay me down
it hurts so much
lay me down
to peaceful touch
lay me down
in dark of rest
lay me down
you will be blessed

a young girl who didn't pretend
why now does she find it so necessary?
a young girl who had no friends
why now does she feel they're a necessity?
she's reaching out yet holding on
she's crying for an answer
she's letting go yet holding on
she's organised disaster
a young girl who believed it all
why now is it all so transparent?
a young girl who wasn't afraid to fall
why now is it all too relevent?
she's reaching out yet holding on
she's crying for an answer
she's letting go yet holding on
she's organised disaster
a young girl who believed in life
why now is she so skeptic?
a young girl who did not know strife
why now is life so hectic?
she's reaching out yet holding on
she's crying for an answer
she's letting go yet holding on
she's organised disaster

in the middle of this lonliness
I'm screaming out my soul
longing for someone to come along
and drag me out of this cold
relentless nightmare
so well disguised as day
I'm just searching for another
who does long to come and play
exhausted from foolish games
and frustrated by the blind
I'm just looking for a decent friend
with whom to spend my time
so lonely I'm in anger
so bored I'm in dispair
so empty I'll wash your laundry
still nobody seems to care
just watching them has fun
brings me a little joy
but why do only big boys
get to play with all the toys?
young girls are being mothers
old women all alone
but the Lord is working through them
that's what I have been told
the wise are condescending
the shallow way too proud
for how long is this emptiness
going to be allowed?
do you know that I am here?
would it matter if I left?
I've been thinking of going away for awhile
then I'd just be another name on file
I'm tired of these ropes
I'm tired of what's best
wish I could just take a time out and rest
but if I don't learn how to fly real soon
if I don't develop out of this cacoon
I may just jump out of this tree
and no one would be there to catch me
and probably I'd suffer a little more before I'd die
then everyone would come and stand around and cry
so do something while you can
we all need to know we're loved
but just telling's not enough
or I wouldn't be saying this stuff
I am not scared
nor am I depressed
it's not always this problem
sometimes it's the rest
but if you could just touch my soul with a smile
I wouldn't be just another name in the files

starving in my need
swallowing what's in reach
deluded by the potency
don't realise poison's killing me
thrusting fits of torment
convulsing from the pain
I reach out to emptiness
it's all that'll ever be
a constant next to me
trying to survive
I give up and close my eyes
wishing I could disappear
and that the streams down my face
could be blood instead of tears
trying to survive
giving in to compromise
holding hands with dispear
swallowing the lies
believing you cared
crying out in shame
the disgrace of it all
once upon a time
was I the one standing tall?
staring through glass
into reality
I realise you're the only one
strong enough to help me

I want to go back
and hear your sweet voice again
when the day was old
and our love still new
when you sang of heaven
and of love and eternity
and everything beautiful
became our reality
but now the song
is faded and worn
as meaningless
as every breath
it has lost its meaning
still it keeps on playing
like a broken record
and my broken spirit
is all that remains
of what there was
and all we had
when I let you go
I fell apart
of my own accord
and I do not wish
to be well
ever again

all over
I stare
at the colour
all around me
and I sit
in the stench
and let it soak in
in my body
consuming my flesh
as I decay
and watch
the flames dance
with more vibrance
then will ever
belong to me
I feel nothing
and the pain
no longer
is a comfort
to me
and this emptiness
haunts my being

I am the only one
all alone
it is dark in here
usually I like the dark
but not now
now it is evil
and in the shadows of black
I wait
for something that will never come
and for the person I will never be
death is contagious here
and right now it's going around
and I feel so lost
like a wind inside a tunnel
when I should be
whistling through the trees
or blazing across
an open field
and I cry
with thoughts of you
keeping me warm
as I look around
and see pieces
shattered, broken, torn
those shards look familiar
like painful words spoken
and smoldering fires
there is no way out
I can wander aimlessly
never finding my destination
and I will always end up
right where I started
and you offer me a light
but it blinds me
I am so scared
it is powerful and bright
and I am not used to hope
I hate everything here
because it does not belong to me
I have no part of it
I am not allowed
is it really that bad?
I won't know
I've never been there
I'll never go
I refuse to leave
so you paint this world
with beautiful colours
that I can't see in this dark
and I ignore the process
but you hope one day
that this world will become real
and I'll become free

I know that if I go
ther'll be no choice
but for you to follow
and we would still live forever
but in an unsure state
without you I am nothing
you tell me you are nothing
but I see you as everythinbg
and that's what you call me
you are part of me
when I'm not with you
my arms ache to hold you
to keep you warm and close and safe
and I can't help thinking
of everything we are together
how I wish this could last forever
I never want to leave your side
the joy you bring almost makes me cry
I love you so much

you are dead
I can't even breathe
as I asphixiate
how can nothing hurt so much?
why can't I be happy?
even when I have all I want
all I want is too be free
come join the crew
and be crazy like us
within and without
having nothing to care about
not even yourself
you are in bondage to freedom
and we can make it last
come join our hell
the fire is blazing
within and without
consuming the void that eats awya
at all you were
being destroyed can complete you
and we can do it fast
here we are
inhaling thick smoke
this is not life
but still we are not dead
how can nothing hurt so much?
why am I still not free?
not that I have all I want
I still am not happy

such an ugly disorder
snatches away joy
sucks you dry and numb
but still not quite painful
shoves out the clutter
leaves you raw and open
the silence so haunting
abandoned; alone
keeps alive and living

Okay, I think I'm pretty tired now. FYI: All of this is my original work that I wrote sometime during middle school or highschool.
I think night_shade might like these.
I'll post more after I spend a few hours unconscious.

  • Wishlist 2015

    Miscellaneous: Special crayons: Savvy Sand and Shady Gray RMT licensed massage xBox credit Pusheen: Donut Pusheen phone charm Marshmallow…

  • Wishlists 2014

    Licensed Massage Gelly Roll pens (any) Pusheen: Donut Pusheen phone charm Marshmallow Nap phone charm Medium Pusheen plush toy Pusheen emotion…

  • Sorry that it's not one of yours.

    Dear Mister Caroll Spinney, I have much love for you and all the work you have done. I hope you know how much you have influenced the lives of so…

  • Post a new comment


    Anonymous comments are disabled in this journal

    default userpic

    Your reply will be screened

  • 1 comment