Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,
Peripheral
nineveh_rains

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An open letter.

You won't know that this letter is for you. I think about you often and wonder if it is possible for you to want more. I dislike falling in and out of touch with you. Of course, every (normal) guy wants sex, but why won't you take me back to your place? Am I just too much like a sister to you? I remember the times we walked home from middle school together and you would tear away my innocense. I remember fantasising about you all the times I passed by your house while delivering papers. I remember sneaking out of class to fondle you in the dark corners of the highschool. What are we afraid of? Why are we hesitant to move beyond this shy flirting? I don't have any answers for your side of the coin, but I can answer those on my half. Maybe I am afraid, as I am of everything else. I am afraid that you are too much like my father. I am afraid of taking your virginity. I am afraid that you will be one of those people who don't want to hear about what is wrong. When you went to the prom with Katie, I was jealous. When I drew out that comic strip for you, and coloured it all, my heart beat faster when I handed it over to you. You know about the poem I wrote for you. You said you were surprised that I felt that way, but I think really you knew all along. Maybe honesty would remove the mystique and ruin this undercurrent of attraction that runs between us. Are you avoiding me because you have found someone else to share these things with, or do you just lke being "one of the guys" too much to let a chick get in the mix? Sometimes I think about you and the M-word and wonder if it would ever work out. Maybe now is not the time to begin things that will only end up changing. How do you feel about having a "little wifey" waiting at home for you at the end of each workday, and making sure there is enough beer in the fridge for when the guys come over to watch football or wrestling? I do not doubt that at the moment you are too financially stressed to even consider having children, but if money was not a factor, would you want them? Would having children only end up dividing us? Even if we lived in a crummy welfare apartment, I wouldn't mind. I could take the bus to appointments and walk to the grocery store. I would invite my best friends over and we would have girl-talk while you were at work; drinking tea and gifting each other with girly bath accessories.
Perhaps too much of this is fantasy. But I cannot help wondering if it would ever work out that way. Would I be happy? Would you be happy?
I don't want very much in this life, but I guess the question I am asking is, do I want you?
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