I am trying to escape this. Trying not to cling to the "what if?"s and "maybe one day"s. My current fantasy is to be a single mother in some kind of suburb. Perhaps it would make me feel successful? Or loved... Realistically I guess my plan is to apply for my Masters and to Teacher's college once I graduate, and if I get into Masters, great, but I'm not really expecting to. I have no clue how things are going to work out financially, but I really don't care. I know how to survive.
I guess I tend to avoid things I dread. Perhaps that is why I can't see the present or what it might lead to. All I can see are my tainted and blackened fantasies and dreams.
Yes, I am ill right now. Don't take all of this too seriously. In a few days I'll be brushing it off and back on my voyage once again. But I know it scares you all the same. Maybe even moreso than it does me.