Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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I don't live in a real world

I live in the world of dreams and fantasies, and not all of them are positive. It's nearly impossible to think about the here and now. That I am a 21 year old student who can't get to class because she's so tired. And how her mother acts as though it's perfectly acceptable for her to be asleep at 3pm. How she wants to love someone who won't have her, but that at the same time is not even certain as to what love is, just what it is not. A girl that just a few months ago detested the idea of needing medication and now thinks nothing of her nightly dose. A girl who loathes her past and mourns her childhood; a girl who dreads the future. I am such a drowning lost girl, flooding myself with such thoughts, but the brick is comforting...perhaps I'll let it take me home...but not yet.
I am trying to escape this. Trying not to cling to the "what if?"s and "maybe one day"s. My current fantasy is to be a single mother in some kind of suburb. Perhaps it would make me feel successful? Or loved... Realistically I guess my plan is to apply for my Masters and to Teacher's college once I graduate, and if I get into Masters, great, but I'm not really expecting to. I have no clue how things are going to work out financially, but I really don't care. I know how to survive.
I guess I tend to avoid things I dread. Perhaps that is why I can't see the present or what it might lead to. All I can see are my tainted and blackened fantasies and dreams.

Yes, I am ill right now. Don't take all of this too seriously. In a few days I'll be brushing it off and back on my voyage once again. But I know it scares you all the same. Maybe even moreso than it does me.

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