Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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I feel like shit. I hate myself. And I hate that I hate myself.

Melanie, I wish you were online...

How can I be such a fuck-up? How can I be totally oblivious to someone in-love with me???

I'm so sorry.

I know you said the only one who wants me dead is me, but how? How do I live with a past that haunts me, a past that plagues me? I don't even have my tapes anymore to listen to. I want to dissociate and disappear. Fuck the "holidays". Fuck this loveless fucked-up existance. My heart has broken, crumbled, and shattered so many times, that I can hardly absorb anything anymore. I hate myself so much for hurting myself. For all the wrong choices I've made and all the days I've wasted. Fuck fuck fuck.

You all better pray that I am not left alone. Fantasies have a way of coming true.

I would hate you so much if our song became your song with her.. That just isn't fair.

I feel like shit. I hate myself. And I hate that I hate myself.

If I can't live the way people want me to, what's the point of living? There's all this pressure to be well and everyday is a chore just to wake up! I hate this! I hate it so much!

Why do all the people who don't wanna die get killed and people like me have to live in agony because the people around us "don't want us to die"? I believe that people have the RIGHT to die. Fuck mercy killing, give me a fucking lethal injection. Maybe I should move to California and murder someone if that's the only way. Yeah, I know, crazy talk. I'm crying so hard I want to puke. I should probably just go to sleep, but I don't want to. If I sleep, I don't ever want to wake up. I feel like I have to be tied up so I don't do anything "stupid". There's a nice tasty bottle of sedatives just up the stairs, but now everyone will say I am writing this for attention. My heart hurts and my spirit is broken. I DON'T FUCKING CARE. How? How can it be enough that you want me around? How can it be enough? I need it to be enough. Right now I can't live for myself, someone give me a reason. Please? I don't want to wake up anymore.

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