Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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I don't feel right and I can't sleep.

I want to cry but am scared that if I do I will lose my mind.

I am crazy so fill me with pills, to cure my head but not my heart.

I stink and should take a bath. It might help my body feel better.

I haven't had a cigarette today.

It is so friggin cold upstairs!

I told myself if I could not sleep I would not make it through the night, but something said, "yes, you will, like all the other nights before". Somehow I will endure the pain of this disease for another night and hope that with daylight comes distraction. I don't know how I can be celebrating my birthday when all I can think of is moving past this.

Love is only a thing of the past. What I perceive is what's real to me. Correct my faulty thinking or I will become lost in the lies that I lead myself to believe.

Don't you understand? You must cram Reality in my face for I cannot see it by my own sight. Hallucinations of the mind, a distorted mirror that I cannot tear my gaze from.

(No wonder there's a theory that all geniuses are insane.)

I wish if someone shouted enough, hit me enough, hated me enough, that I would get stuck in Real Life. Fuck the doctors and fuck the drugs. Do you see any of this working? One day I will be gone and I won't come back, long before I am dead. I don't want to be empty; I don't want to be sad. I am trying so hard to find meaning just so I can stop hurting you. Moosey. I hate all of this because of how much it hurts you. I don't know how to stop it and it scares me. Have you ever been afraid of yourself? All I want is for someone to take care of me, but you know what? There is a thing called Age in this world and once you reach a certain year, you are supposed to know how to take care of yourself. Please understand that there are times when I can't. Lock me away because I cannot face this. It hurts so much but as much as it does, it hurts me more that I'm hurting you.

Life is just a big facade and everyone trying to convince themself that they are happy, but Happiness is out of my reach, even if I just lie to myself.

There are few things I have left to do, then my Purpose will be run dry and my Reason will be dissolved. Dreams are unattainable. Achieving your dreams would mean finding Happiness - something that will never happen.

So tired, but rest will not come.

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