Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,
Peripheral
nineveh_rains

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A Reply

I hate having to tell you 'I'll be fine'. I know how hollow that sounds. But it's the truth! I will be fine. This isn't going to kill me. I'll get over it or I'll get distracted. It doesn't matter which. The point is that I'll get over it and I'll do it on my own because I'm the only one who can make myself feel better.

I know you worry and I know you care. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I'm sorry that I worry you and I'm sorry that I abuse our friendship like this. I know you don't begrudge me either of those things, that you don't require an apology, but I feel guilty just the same.

In the end, I am the only person responsible for my happiness, just like everybody else


This is how we are different. I don't get over things. I try and I try to, yet everything reminds me or stirs up some emotion and I just can't separate what has happened from myself.
Last night I was on campus, and I knew you weren't there but it didn't prevent the memories and the triggers. I wanted to walk up to Woodstock and sit on the balcony with you as I cried and anyone walking by below could see. I wanted to retrieve my bicycle in the pouring rain from having rode it over the night before. I can't even put into words everything that I felt, other than when I sat in front of JHE last night while I smoked and asked myself, "Why did you have to be such an asshole?" When I know this is the furthest from anything anyone else would ever use to describe you. But it's the only answer I've been provided and it's all I have to go on. I can't spend the rest of my life defending you or your actions although I very easily could. Thanks for compounding my abandonment issues. Thanks for confirming my beliefs that I don't deserve anything good and that good things never last. Just another person I haven't forgiven.
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