I know you worry and I know you care. I can't tell you how much that means to me. I'm sorry that I worry you and I'm sorry that I abuse our friendship like this. I know you don't begrudge me either of those things, that you don't require an apology, but I feel guilty just the same.
In the end, I am the only person responsible for my happiness, just like everybody else
This is how we are different. I don't get over things. I try and I try to, yet everything reminds me or stirs up some emotion and I just can't separate what has happened from myself.
Last night I was on campus, and I knew you weren't there but it didn't prevent the memories and the triggers. I wanted to walk up to Woodstock and sit on the balcony with you as I cried and anyone walking by below could see. I wanted to retrieve my bicycle in the pouring rain from having rode it over the night before. I can't even put into words everything that I felt, other than when I sat in front of JHE last night while I smoked and asked myself, "Why did you have to be such an asshole?" When I know this is the furthest from anything anyone else would ever use to describe you. But it's the only answer I've been provided and it's all I have to go on. I can't spend the rest of my life defending you or your actions although I very easily could. Thanks for compounding my abandonment issues. Thanks for confirming my beliefs that I don't deserve anything good and that good things never last. Just another person I haven't forgiven.