October 5th, 2007


(no subject)

I need to stop. I wonder why I always dig up these painful things from the past. Now both of them are invading my dreams, but that is not surprising given that I have made contact after 7 years of silence. I am probably making a mistake and will only get hurt again, or suffer from lack or resolution. They are both still God fanatics. Her solution was to "give the broken pieces to God". Um, that would be all of them, and I just am not ready to do that. Perhaps lack of patience is one of my short comings, but perhaps I learned it for some reason. The first thing he says to me after 7 years is "be blessed. Great to hear from you again." Really, now? Either he has forgotten or is trying to ice over things. I shook as I read the email, but I would have gone crazy waiting for a reply anyways.
Grr, I shouldn't be self-triggering today. People are coming over tonight, I need to be well enough to socialise. Hoping to get high and/or drunk, so that might help.
I'm striving to be functional? Wow, I wrote it, so it must be true?
Sometimes, when I am engaged in a social interaction, I do not feel like it is I who is interacting, but that I am simply a character following a script; that I am doing what I do and saying what I say because it is a programmed response and what should be said. I guess that is a form of mild dissociation?
I'm not sure how I feel about them praying for me. No doubt they will. I do know that if it wasn't for people praying for me, I would have died, but I don't always appreciate that. I often feel damned to life. I'm sure it's not the best outlook to have, but ever since I came to that conclusion, I've fucked around with my life a lot less.

On a way off topic note: There are so many errors in closed-captioning; I was astounded.

(no subject)

I think I have a grasp over the words at the moment, so I want to write down while I can.
I seem to substitute people. Currently substituting the religious influence in my life. I feel like I substitute my two best friends for each other whenever I am out of contact with either of them for an extended period of time. I'm not sure if this applies to lovers, but may be an explanation for "serial dating" (in the past).

Lyrics from "Indestructable", "Jenni's Song", "A Boy & His Machine Gun" (all by Matthew Good) keep running through my head:

We won't say a thing
While you give your life away
Give your life away
We won't say a thing
While you give your life away


were you dead way before tonight?
throw it back and stay awhile
i've seen red most of my little life
throw it back, we'll die awhile

i know what it means 'you got me'
we're not sick we just need it for the weekends
on mondays it's gone
i used to think i was invisible beside you'd crumble
you wait for it and you wait for it and it's gone
and you wake up and nobody knows
that i've loved you buried alive


So fuck you and your principles
Fuck whatever made me
Perhaps you think I'm evil
What does it matter if we're crazy?
Fuck you and your principles
Fuck whatever made me
Perhaps you think I'm evil
What does it matter if
Matter if we're crazy