August 21st, 2005


(no subject)

Is it just me or are people posting less often? My friends page seems so lacking in updates. I know I haven't been updating as often as I have in the past. I guess my life is just less eventful or more repetitive or I just don't feel like writing. I do leave comments as often as I can think of something productive to say. Please come back LJ friends!

In lieu of my therapist.

"No one else can actually be your parents, and the time for them to help you is over. It's too late for them to give you what you needed then."

Sooner or later, we'll all have to let go of everything. But the things I want to let go of I keep being forced back to, and the things and people I want to keep close are wrenched away. I learn that the white, hazy light of warmth that halos someone is only a cruel illusion and the darkness that I run from is somehow responsible for me. The grey in between begins to run darker, and the days look bleak. Every time I wake up from dreaming, another nightmare has repeated itself, and I am faced with the reality that the shell around my psyche is full of shotgun holes. I spend all of my time trying to stop the leaks and intrusions within and outside myself in this sinking ship I call a soul. In the morning, I am two years old, clinging to a stuffed bear, and by dinner time, I am a demure sixteen year old, wondering what love is and if I'll ever know it. It occurs to me my bills are mounting, I am controlling no part of my life because all of my energy has gone toward deciding whether or not I want to live or die today.

~Laura Paxton, Borderline and Beyond