November 16th, 2004

flight

(no subject)

I really don't know what I mean to anybody. There are some people who make me feel special but I can't be what I feel I need.

Tonight my sister called and said she was eating some pineapple from a can best before date 1997. In passing, and I assume jokingly, she metioned that if she was dead tomorrow that was why. I couldn't even listen to that without feeling envious. Why is death so easy for some to attain and for those like me who long for it...

Sometimes I wish my mother's boyfriend would die so that I could go live with her, but I doubt it would change anything. I've lost my mother. I've lost my baby. I've lost the best relationships I ever had. All I need now is to lose my soul. I feel damned enough already. I don't know how people can't see that.

Like I've said, the whole fucking world can love me, but if I still hate myself it's all irrelevant.

At the rate I'm going, I'm gonna get fucking committed again, and I haven't even missed my meds or anything! *fuck*
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