I dreamt about him last night, and it was pleasant.
He showed up from school in his car. (Yes, he had a car.) And of course it was my old house, and my mom met him, and my father was being a jerk about "socks on the bed".
Anyway, I will have to post more later when there isn't a bitchy girl here waiting for the computer.
Mania - by Jody Michael Eric Lanteigne
Mania can be like a waking dream
Where nothing may mean everything
And everything's not what it seems
Boundless faith in all that is true
A font of knowledge springs from you
Deep, so it seems, and ever flowing
Learn something new without knowing
Always on the brink of something grand/whatever it may be
Always waiting for something to happen/however impossibly
Insight deepened to new depths
Sometimes memories over which wept
One's mind goes where it is swept
The deeper you get, the more it seems saner
No matter how abstract, or how much zanier
Pulling threads of applicability, out of thin air
Or whatever available media be there
"That's mine, that's me," rings the refrain
It becomes amazing how everything
Just "fits" inside your body and your brain
Interests claimed first, then increasingly distracted
It's as if one's worries were trashed and compacted
Mental exploration amidst new connections
Brand new suppositions up for inspection
Sometimes though comes a trauma, and anger
A sensation of caution, an infection of danger
It leaps, and it rises, and just as quickly falls
Like a roaring car engine that suddenly stalls
"Why" is asked so many times its meaning is forgotten
"Where" can seem distant and disjoint
"When" becomes further and further from the point
"Who" indeed, disintegrates, into a single element
All around you comes alive/And you wonder where it went
All those times you were looking before
Magic, luck, superstition or belief
Become once again possible, once held in relief
For possibility and reality can twist and bend
'Til you don't know from your own family or your friends
They are enveloped all around/With symphonies of blended sound
And whirling pictures of their happiest times/Underlain by perceived crimes
Some petty, some grand/Some buried in the sand
Of faraway places so close you could taste them
And wish you could be there, instead of erase them
From memory, which churns
Indiscriminately burns/at the worst
At the best it lies like a pond fed by a creek
And seeping waters from underneath
And it is good enough just to be/Just to speak and just to see
And the world is not enough distraction
To justify any infraction/Against the code of peaceful life
Of always looking at both sides of the story
Of always disbelieving ill intent
Of always trying to see as best
As on can/Joy without guilt
Well, after the bitchy girl this morning that wanted the computer, I talked to my Placement Officer and he doesn't really know when anything will be available. My worker at Housing Help (Kim Underhill) called yesterday and said she hasn't been able to find anything for me yet, and one of the student advocates here (I really can't remember her name) is calling places like Montebello Place, and Mainstream, and Supportive Independant Living for me.
I ate soup and an eggsalad sandwich for lunch and a yougert and that made me really full.
Then Lin took me to Crisis Counselling at the St. Catharine's General Hospital and we had to wait for an hour before we got to see anyone so we went and got a pop and sat on the grass and talked. She read the lyrics I wrote out last night, and then she read the most recent 2 poems I have written because they are all that is in my blue book now because I've put everything into my yellow book and when we came back here I gave my yellow book for her to look at. She is supporting me a lot and we are gonna start going to support groups together. Then I read to her my summary from Homewood because I had brought it with me, and we talked about personal energy.
So the "crisis counsellor" or whatever she was wasn't all that helpful, all she did was give us papers and tell me to stick with my psychiatric nurse, so okay.
We came back and I chewed gum and read. Then I went down for dinner. It was chicken and pasta and the mushrooms had the most flavour. I liked dessert, it tasted like breakfast.
After dinner I went back upstairs and finished reading the book. It was called Just Pretend. So then I came down here and wrote out that poem that I posted. I got it from Moods Magazine when we were at the hospital.
There are some lyrics I am going to post. (The ones I wrote out last night.)
Tomorrow I get to see my duck!
Anyway... on to the next post.
I gave til I bled
you laughed when I fainted
don't want to live this life bitter and tainted...
this bitterness you hide
it seeps into your soul
and it steals your joy
'til it's all you know...
after the climb
after time turns designs to despair
it is good
it's all who you know
and after the fall
after all of our strife ends in dust
even so, good for us
it's all who you know...
we all pay you lip service
then address our prayers to fate...
when you come back again
would you bring me something from the fridge?
heard a rumour that the end is near
but I just got comfortable here...
he's displaced, and unglued
scared that faith in god could be misconstrued
but the cross makes him wish
that his spine was more
than a school of jellyfish...
let's talk about real life
truth and consequences
coming to our senses
and lies we best unlear
let's talk about real love
truth and propaganda
are you really gonna stand for
a love that waits its turn?