October 7th, 2004

flight

Augh!

They made everyone wake up cuz they were gonna shut off the water, then after everyone panicks, they tell us they're only going to shut it off TOMORROW for half an hour. *rolls eyes* so I've got half my day done already. The laundry is in the wash, I went and bought smokes, and all I have to do is wait for the Hostel worker to show up. *yippee*
That's pretty much all I have to say right now.
I am looking forward to Saturday.
  • Current Music
    The Lover After Me - Savage Garden
flight

Anyway...

What the hell am I doing?

Why the fuck am I hurting myself like this?

Oh yeah, I hate myself. (Just in case you forgot.)

*cries*

I hate how everything in my life I've fucked up. EVERYTHING

Okay, I have a highschool diploma and a university degree (barely), but what am I doing with them? Nothing.
What am I doing with my life? Nothing.
I am sitting here, rotting away in this shelter, waiting for someone to want me like some kind of stray animal. *cries more*

Fuck fuck fuck.

I wish Adam was online, but he doesn't want to hear this anymore than you or anyone else.
And so I keep it all inside, more than you know.
More than you'll ever know.
Because even just this little bit hurts you enough.
And it's my pain. I have to deal with it.

Fuck. I don't know if you really want to see me on Saturday, Ian. I'll probabaly just cry my heart out like the last 2 times you saw me.

Fuck fuck fuck.

I want to die.

Or start over.

I wish I could start over.

I'd give anything to start over.

If life were like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, I'd go back to... many years. I'd be John's daughter, and not Ted's, and my grandfather would be alive long enough to see me born; long enough to have infant-hood memories of him. And my aunt wouldn't have cancer and my uncle wouldn't molest me, and I wouldn't have broken anyone's heart and things would have worked out and I wouldn't hate myself and screw things up.
There's more, but it's not as important as those things.

I hurt so fucking much and can't tell anyone. (like, I can tell you, but you cannot possibly fully comprehend. I am, afterall, crazy.)
  • Current Mood
    confused confused
flight

(no subject)

Fuck. I want to run away.

I'm tired of not being wanted the way I want people to want me. (Okay, I know this sounds stupid but it sucks.)

I'm sorry Graham, I just don't think you can take care of me.

And I'm so fucked up because Michelle didn't believe that I had feelings for her. OMFG!
  • Current Music
    This is how you remind me - Nickelback
flight

(no subject)

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
Tired of living like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking

and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no
yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no

it's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause living with me must have damn near killed you

And this is how, you remind me
Of what I really am
This is how, you remind me
Of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking

and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"

yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no
yet, yet, yet, no, no

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing
And this is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am
This is how you remind me
Of what i really am

It's not like you to say sorry
I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken
for handing you a heart worth breaking

and I've been wrong, i've been down,
been to the bottom of every bottle
these five words in my head
scream "are we having fun yet?"
yet, yet
are we having fun yet [3x]
  • Current Music
    This is how you remind me - Nickelback
flight

(no subject)

You say, "Why does everything revolve around you?"
You say, "Why does everything I do confound you?"
You say that I pull the world from under you,
You can't go through it this time

I could be good, and I would - If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait - Or is it too little too late?


One day, this embarrassment will fade behind me
And that day I could think of things that won't remind me
But these days, it's unbearable for both of us,
We can't discuss it this way

I'm gaining strength, trying to learn to pull my own weight
But I'm gaining pounds at the precipice of too late Just wait

I could be good, and I would - If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait - Or is it too little too late?


Record and play, after years of endless rewind
Yesterday wasn't half as tough as this time
This time isn't Hell,
Last time, couldn't tell
This mind wasn't well
Next time, hope I'm...

Going to be good, and I would - If I knew I was understood
And it'll be great, just wait - Or is it too little too late?
  • Current Music
    Too Little Too Late - BNL