August 7th, 2003


I wish I could just let go

Lie on the bed
let my mind drift
let that one thread snap
and never come back

don't tell me there were never any warning signs

last time I didn't have to answer for my actions
this time they don't look like claw marks

I want a cigarette
too bad they're home
  • Current Music
    Portrait of Appology

(no subject)

No one is going to see this until after it's over. If I tell you directly, you will say I am seeking attention. I JUST WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME WHEN I'M SCREWED UP! I always feel that everyone thinks I will make it through. I am telling you, one day I won't!
  • Current Music
    Sympathy - Goo Goo Dolls

Finding help

I found you in my dream last night.
It started out, I was pissed off at k-girl and Gaurav for screwing around with my computer so that none of my applications worked properly. I tried to beat both of them up, but I couldn't hit them hard enough. Amber (who periodically became Michelle) was yelling at me not to be so upset over it, but I was, I left the house to go to Emery's, but K-girl was already there, so I left to go to her house. After screwing around for awhile, I wanted to take a shower, but the landlord came over and started interrogating me about my budget. First I told him I didn't live there, then I told him I was gonna tell him my budget anyway. (FYI for anyone who cares: Rent, phonebill, food, everythingelse (in that order).) Well, I was trying to take a shower, ended up being a bath because the landlord was in the room and there was no shower curtain. After the bath I left to go to Gaurav's (apparently they lived in different house). Didn't stay there very long at all. I wandered over to a house that Marc had just moved into. There was a very nice empty room, but one of the girls living there was too snotty. So onward I treked and ran into this girl Amy that used to live on my block back in Chippawa. We hugged and kept walking. Marc had followed me from his house, and I think Kalean joined in at some point.At this point I realise Timmy is with me. We get to Adam's apartment, but it is also like a library/pool hall in the downstairs. The parking garages are confusing, so are the elevators. For the most part Timothy follows me around, but occasionally he will lie down and I panic because I know Amber will kill me if I lose Timmy. Before entering, everyone left except for Amy; we are trying to figure out which elevator will get me to Adam's apartment, well one of the elevators open and Adam is standing there, and it was if he was expecting me. I frantically found Timmy and we went up. That's all I can remember.
  • Current Mood

(no subject)

you know I hate to see you like this

you almost halted those plans last night.

well, we don't know what to do when you get this way.

I don't know if you are trying to guilt me or let me know you care.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained


Would you rather not know that you were my comfort?
Would you rather not know how safe you made me feel?
Would you rather not know that I discovered myself through you?
Would you rather not know how much I trusted you?

You said you cared about me
I don't see you caring
You said this wouldn't work
but you were wroing about that too (It did.)

Perhaps I should be alone
so as not to corrupt other people's happiness
Perhaps I should find the wilderness
and lose myself in it... wandering forest girl

Please understand

Being at home is not safe for me when I am like this. Everyone falls into their routines and I have ample opportunity to harm myself. If I go over to someone else's house, they know why I am there and will check on me if I am left alone for too long. Also, I feel guilty about using their stuff to do damage to myself.

You seemed fine about it when I told you when you first woke up. When I decided to go, I was still under the impression that you would be going to Emery's for the day. It's not liek you couldn't come, but I figured you'd be bored.

I'm sure you think I'm a bitch right now. But it's not about that.
  • Current Mood
    hungry hungry

I forget what I was going to write here

I just slept for a few hours; I feel like throwing up, my mouth is dry and I feel light headed.

I just got bitched out for being depressed while my best-friend just got kicked out of school. He says her's is make or break career. I guess career is more important to him than life. (If I don't get out of this my life will break.)

No one understands.

(no subject)

Aren't I fortunate. I must have written around 20 posts between last night and now and no comments on any of them. Yipee. I'm loved.

Would you catch me is I was falling? Would you kiss me if I was leaving, 'round here?
  • Current Music
    Round Here - Counting Crows