July 16th, 2003


Losing all meaning

What do I do now that I've lost everything I was holding onto? You are taken, and you feel guilty. The closest thing to happiness I can hope for is a life of meaningless sex and something to keep my mind off my misery inbetween. Dead in a ditch as a doornail. I'll be lucky if someone does me the favour of murdering me. It'd feel good to be beaten to death. For once someone else punishing me instead of me having to do it to myself. I do not think that once I crawl into bed I will be getting out for a long while. Please please please don't let me rot. But of course you will just think that this is my usual shit and go on with your day. I am so upset right now I could throwup.

Sometimes I wish I lived on the street. I still remember the last time I was in Toronto and someone I was with gave money to a woman sitting on a street corner. The thought that I could be that ran through me. Made me feel like I was fighting destiny or something. Will I be swimming against the current my entire life? I have to for as long as I care to survive.
  • Current Music
    Hopelessly Devoted - Grease Soundtrack

Emotions can be so controling

What I felt a few short hours ago, now all I want to do is make up with you and hold you in my arms. I know you can't take this. That I keep doing this. I'm not expecting anything. I just hope you won't be bitter towards me forever.

(no subject)

I think I'm beginning to see where you're coming from when you talk about acclimating yourself to Death. I've heard it said that Life is only the process of Death. What is the difference? You cannot hurt yourself, but why should you stop me? Because it's moral? Or because you want me to remain living? Perhaps I'm just too close to Death to deny it to those who crave it. All I want is to make sure my friends don't die alone. I wonder why the hell I don't care if I doe alone or not. Oh yeah, cuz I will. Seriously though, if Life sucks that much for you and you hurt that much...I think people have the right to die.

Complexity haunts me, for I am two men
Entrenched in a battle that I'll never win
My discipline fails me, my knowledge imprues me
But you are my shelter; the strenght that I need
It's my will
and I'm not moving
'cause if it's your will
then nothing can change it
  • Current Music
    What's This Life For - Creed

(no subject)

I don't think you understand that I need you right now. But you cannot be here, no matter what you are in my dreams, you won't be that person.
And you are in pain.
I'm beginning to wonder if you even read this anymore. You never say anything about it; never leave any comments.
All the times before, I've hung on until I could get to you, but now your words echo through my empty thoughts "I can't be the one to help you." And then you hung up.
I guess I have to figure out what to do when the tide has come in and the boulder I cling to is submerged under water.

Her flowers bloom/but Sarah can't see straight/she's drinking herself blind
Still entertaining thoughts of it. I wish to hell we had antifreeze. I'm supposed to be getting 20$ in the mail. At least having a cigarette won't put me in the hospital.
  • Current Music
    By The Time I Get To Georgia - Carolyn Dawn Johnson


I think you meant empathetic. ;)
Physically, I'm okay. I just want to lay in bed for awhile. I don't really have any energy or motivation.
I always think of what you said, "From Norfolk South to Britten Close". I think I do not realise how much you want to be there for me or how much I am to you. Yeah, I know we are bestfriends, but I haven't had any relationship like you and I have before.
Michelle said to me, "You have people who care whether you feel it or not." Just, my mind screams to me, If they care, why do I not know? Why don't they know the deep true twisted fucked up part of me who can't live this way???
I appreciate the number of posts people wrote in response to my garbage, but I just want to say I wasn't looking for that or expecting it.
Maybe when I have more energy or motivation I can come down but right now I am too apathetic to look both ways before I cross the street and really simplistic safety things like that, so I am keeping myself in my room until I smarten up.

Lean on me

Theoretically, it's a nice thought, but it never happens when it comes down to do or die. Right now I need someone. Anyone. But you can't drive and you are broke, so are you, and you have someone else to accompany. You're injured and you don't even know that I need you. My blood is turning to shards of ice in frigid water. But I'm sure all of you will believe that I'll be alright in the end.
What if the last time my sister ever tried to talk to me, all she got was the answering machine? She'd be devastated. I think my mom would be more understanding. Leah would be more angry.
Yeah, you're probably all tired of my bullshit empty threats. Just keep in mind that you make threats back. Threats to stop me, threats to tell, threats to be pissed off. You know how much it bothers me when people are angry at me.

Half the time I never finish these posts. I just stop thinking