July 15th, 2003


So alone

The people I want in my life have their own to attend to. I'm afraid, and I'm worried.
Afraid that you will see me as that pesky little girl who keeps wanting your attention; worried that you will avoid me because of it. Afraid that I do not play as large a part in your life that you do in mine; worried that I'll seem needy.
Why am I feeling this overabundance of emotion? You're right, I'm self-absorbed. I think depression does that to people. Right now I wish I could beat myself; beat some sense into myself; beat myself senseless. I want my body to reflect my soul; broken and bruised. I want a fucking cigarette. I want to burn, I want to bleed. I want to cry. I want to scream. I want to hate you but for you to love me. I want to be a bitch but still the one everyone looks to for help. "She's a nice girl. She just has to figure out what she wants." I don't know what I want.
  • Current Mood

(no subject)

I am so fucking bored. I'm becoming tempted to go work at the convenience store. I want something challenging. I want to be a writer. I just don't know where to start; I don't know how to avoid making my stories too complicated or drawn out. I want to go out and do things, but have no one (motivated enough) to do them with. I like carnivals but I don't know how to find them. I like park activities, but I don't know where to find out about those either. GAH! If August doesn't go by fast, I'm gonna start reading my textbooks again so that I can feel the least bit intellectual. Maybe I should do some research on Bayan which is where I want to work after I finish my degree. Or maybe I should just drop a cinderblock on my head. That'd feel good. I'd be getting something accomplished. Yippee. Yeah I'm fucked up. Woe is me. For once in my life I don't feel like reading. Not even a comic book. For some reason I desperately want to watch The Phantom Tollbooth right now. I doubt I'll have any luck finding it on Kazaa at this time of morning, but I'll try anyway.

None of this is true.

One day I'll get over you and I'll forgive you for all of this; for being in the middle. I will stop letting you affect my self-worth, and I will be myself as a whole person. "Part of you has to die to love someone." Well one day I will have the courage to amputate my dead limbs. I can never have what I want. All of it is off limits.
Way to slam the door on me. It's hard enough to get you to open up in the first place. This is not fair.
I guess we all get taken forgranted.

This loneliness haunts me
Is it inside or out
I do not want you
To see how you have torn me apart
Just by living
By punishing me appropriately
Still I die for it
I perish for my sins
That you claim have been forgiven.
I want to hate you
And I want to scream
But I want to love you
And be quiet again.
I hate you for thinking
I'm just a crack in the mortar
I hate you for thinking
You can use me in your mind
Yet never touch me
I hate all of you for knowing Love

Well, apparently my father knows I blame him for a lot of things. It doesn't seem to phase him.
I hate all of you for having a life that you are a part of. I hate you for not letting me fit into it. I hate you for allowing me to be the dust that gets swept under the rug when you have time to notice me. I hate you for making things difficult for me. I hate you for taking the give out of "give and take" I hate you because you don't feel like this. I hate you because I am sick and you don't give a fuck because I should be able to take care of myself or someone should be around to do it, just not you. Never you and your happy dustfree life .

Oh well. The good news is I can get fucked up without the overwhelming urge to make this pain physical. It's still there, but I can supress it.
  • Current Music
    In The End - Linkin Park