July 8th, 2003


Bitter diatribe

Yes, I am up at 4 fucking 30 am and am reveling in the burning sensation the just drained mug of instant coffee is leaving in my stomach. I know the e-mail will be there. I should sleep, but instead I read. And I write. I can barely think, I try so hard to avoid the dreams, but in the end they will always come. Always there is something to haunt me throughout life. Kill one demon, and its vespers or sibling will follow you... I crave the taste of thinks bitter: black coffee, and black licorice. The half finishe can of Coke on my desk is too sweet.
Is it ironic that I do not love my lovers? I know now that again I will not cross that line. I don't even know if I can ask. The fact that I might entertain the idea might crush him so. It's just for fun, but I guess commitment isn't about fooling around. Fuck off. It's 4 am and I'm half out of it. You know what I mean.
I love you, but only to the extent that I love my best-friend. I love my girlfriend, but we've never consomated. I would fuck you (or more likely let you fuck me) but I don't think I know you enough to love you yet. Why in all of this do I still feel so alone. Stupid lost girl.
Okay, time to read.



*deep breath*

I'm finally admitting it.(To you and myself)

I've been looking for pity this whole time.

Love is not the most important thing on the list.

I think until now I've had the two mixed up and confused.

Maybe I'll be less of a whiny sobbing bitch all the time now.


Slept for less than 2 hours. I hate sleeping so much now. I'm gonna ask if it's okay for me to take Sominex or something during school so that I can sleep. Am downloading songs. Planning to make a bunch of CDs (if the file sharing works).
This guy from Egypt is trying to come onto me. I've talked to Emery and Marc. I keep thinking about playing AC but I'm sure I wouldn't be able to keep my eyes open very long if I started it up.
Amber has been sleeping all day. I think she needs it.
All I've eaten is a bag of M&Ms. Too tired to eat real food. Maybe I'll get an apple, and something more hydronous than coke to drink.
  • Current Mood
    bored bored


to be
responsible for
my life.

I had to look after myself my whole fucking childhood. I had to play mother to my father and sister. I had to be the responsible. I don not want to do it anymore! I don't fucking care how irresponsible or pitiful I am being about this. I don't care! That's the whole point! I am tired of having to look after myself. Maybe that's why I want to be in the hospital. then I'm not responsible. Crazy people can get away with anything.


I will lay face up on my bed and watch the ceiling move, but I will not sleep.

Amber is making dinner tonight. I hope it turns out good.

Drinking more wather.

(no subject)

You're still there, but you've fallen out a bit. There are gaping holes that you have no clue are even there. I can think of two things, but I'll probably forget them as soon as you ask, if at all.