June 27th, 2003

flight

Why does it mean so much/little to her?

The other night was my foster-sister's highschool graduation. My parents didn't even stay for the whole thing. Even today my mom told me that she cared less about Ovalyn graduating than the fact that I got to see Mr. Fay. I was kinda pissed off at my parents for leaving. If they didn't care, why did they come anyway? They didn't even have to drive her there or back! I wanted to be there for her. It was the only highschool graduation I have been to other than my own and probably the only one until my own kids graduate. I was so proud of her. I got pretty tearry eyed a few times. It made me think of how I wish I could have been there for you. That I could have felt proud of you if I knew you back then. I know you don't always feel the best about yourself or the smartest but you graduated and that's not something everyone does, and it's also not something most of our parents' generation did. And I can appreciate how trying it was for you and the struggle.
Mr. Fay and I had a nice chat. We had a few special moments that I will treasure. He gave me a lift home from the school afterwards. He's going to send me pictures of his granddaughter.
I think maybe my mom is glad for the support he's given me through the times when she couldn't. He always supported me and let me help him which is something in my nature to do. He tells me when he is proud of me, and when he is happy for me, and he tells me things that he is excited about, and about his family. For some reason this means so much to her that it brings her to tears. I guess mothers want the best for their kids and he has been one of the prominent factors of my development.
flight

(no subject)

I've been having very violent, disturbing, and upsetting dreams lately. And they all get mixed up in my head. I can't figure out if I'm actually remembering a dream in my sleep or if I'm dreaming that I remember it.
My mom's theory is that since all my emotions are suppressed during conscious hours, they go all wacky while I sleep and unlease all the bad things I'd usually feel during the day.
I think I'm beginning to figure these meds out a bit. Some of the time, if I feel tired, if I eat something the tiredness will go away. I've been taking them really regularly so that could help my body adjust to these new chemicals.
Well, I got up the nerve to call Hannah Jaimeson so now I just have to wait for a call back and see if I'm eligible for BPD group therapy. Cross your fingers for me.
  • Current Mood
    worried worried
flight

(no subject)

Most people have no idea what the hell they do to each other. I know I don't and I know you don't have a fucking clue. And other times it is a perception problem, which I'm pretty sure I'm having right now but really I don't give a fuck. All of this bitterness and anger inside. I think I'm getting an understanding for what vampires feel like.
  • Current Music
    Happiness In Slavery - NIN
flight

Stupid.

I know you want to spend time with your friends and have fun, but as a result I will feel not worth it. Either way it doesn't matter. I'm going to have an episode, and I can feel it coming on. I really don't want this to be a repeat of the last time you left me to go hang out, but undoubtably it will be. If you stay I will feel guilty that you are giving up a good time for me, and if you leave I will feel like worthless crap. Yeah fucking detrimental feelings. I hate this.
It would be so reasy to reach for a bottle...
  • Current Music
    The Couch - Alanis Morrisette