June 19th, 2003


I'm not sure

I don't know what I'm feeling. I know we don't have "relationship love" but I do know that I can't help but feel a little hurt when you ask me to do something so that you can be with your "man". And I don't mean just the current one. It hurts me that he asks you/us to give up part of the closeness we have so that he can be comfortable. I know not to take it personally, but I can't. I always feel, "why would you prefer them over me?" Why is it that he gets to kiss you and hold your hand when you and I have something so much deeper. Perhaps it is that you are secure in us, and that to give up these physical things you know I'll still be there but if you give them up with him perhaps he will walk away.
I don't know why it bothers me how much you are so in love with him. Part of it is most likely envy, but I'm also sure that a part of it is that I am afraid you will get hurt.
I'm sorry. I'm not trying to send mixed signals. It's just that I'm comfortable with the way things were between us and I can't help but feeling slightly rejected because we have to give up these few things that should be insignificant but aren't. I'm sorry for letting my insecurities get between you two. I came up here thinking I could be with you, but now we're only in the same room.
I'm trying to be honest about my feelings without being confusing, but I am confused. I'm not sure why I'm feeling whatever the hell it is and I don't know why it bothers me so much.

I think I really need to get unfucked up.
  • Current Mood
    I don't know

Falling Around In Circles

I think I may have figured out why I've been getting cramps in my hands. It has been mentioned that I sleep with my hands clenched; this could be a possibility.

My hands are dry,
my fingers are sore;
I stole your froggie. :p

And I wanted to let you know that this morning made up for any feeling of being left out I had for the past two days. *hugs*
  • Current Music
    Jenny Jones

Get to know me better

- Full name: Sarah Maslovskis
- Nickname/s: Sare, Hare, kitty
- Location: Hamilton
- Age: 21
- Natural Hair color: Blonde
- Present Hair color: Blonde
- Eye color: cool
- Religion: I'm not sure
- Sexual Preference: Heterosexual
- Bra size: I think 34B

[The Nosey]
- What color is your underwear? White with Little Miss Chatterbox.
- Girls, is your bra padded/do you stuff it?: No.
- What turns you on? Being controlled
- What turns you off?: Animalism, hairy chests

[The Perverted]
- Have you ever watched porn?: Yes
- Did you enjoy it?: It depends if it's good.
- Do you fuck or make love?: Fuck. I crave to make love but since I've lost faith in being in-love, I don't expect it to happen any time soon.
- Have you ever had sex with a girl?: No.
- Have you ever had sex with a boy?: Yes.
- Have you ever kissed a girl? Yes.
- Have you ever kissed a boy?: Yes.
- Have you ever gone down on someone?: Mmhmm
- Has anyone gone down on you?: Yes.
- Have you ever used any sex toys?: Well... not exactly. Things around the house and from the hardware store
- Do you masturbate?: Yes.
- Do you enjoy S&M?: That would be my initials :P
- Do you like animals, dead things, children or anything else unacceptable in that way? Not sexually
- Are you sexually shy?: When put on the spot, yes.
- How many sexual partners have you had?: More then 1, less then 5.
- Do you have any sexual tips you'd like to share?: When I girl tells you something feels good, DON'T STOP!
- Would you ever make out with someone outside your race/religion?: I've heard black girls taste different
- Would you ever make out with someone who is ugly?: I don't think so. How do you get turned on by someone you find ugly? As a rule, I don't fake.
- Would you ever make out with someone who is really fat/really thin? Not obese, but I do have a few heavier set friends
- Would you ever make out with someone who has bad hygiene? Do you like it dirty? ;)
- Would you ever have sex with someone outside your race/religion?: I don't know.
- Would you ever have sex with someone who is ugly? No, that wouldn't be honest.
- Would you ever have sex with someone who is really fat/really thin?: Some of my friends are attractive.
- Would you ever have sex with someone who has bad hygiene? It depends just how bad it was.
- Are you a kitten in bed?: To some people
- Sarah McLachlan or Wild Monkey?: Queh? I'd do Hale Berry at the drop of her panties
- When was your last perverted dream?: If you mean sexual, this morning.
- Where is the weirdest place you've ever had sex? Um...on a train?
- Have you done it in public? Yeah, I did a lot of stuff in/around highschool
- Are you comfortable being naked around people? Not really
- When was your last orgasm?: I can't remember. The last memorable one(s) were in May
- What gives you goosebumps?: lusty breathing, being wanted

[The Morals]
- Would you kiss someone you don't love? I love my friends
- Would you have sex with someone you don't love?: See previous answer
- Do you believe in sex before marriage?: Marriage is an ideologically tricky subject for me
- Have you ever been in love?: I thought so. Perhaps
- Do you want to get married? I think so. I know I want to have babies.

[The Ending]
  • Current Mood

(no subject)

I'm pretty close to throwing up from sadness. There must be something really wrong with me to exibit sadness in such a way. Maybe no one should love me because of all the hurt I cause and trouble I am interfereing with your life. I would drag myself through the mud for you if I thought it would be worth it but in the end you might just say, "not good enough" and leave me there and walk away.
I feel like I am suffocating in emotion. I want to cry, but I feel like I will just puke instead. I am so cold right now and uneventful.

We need a Customer Service desk for life. I could go and say, "I want to return this one, it was broken when I got it."


you shut your mouth/how can you say/I go about things the wrong way?/I am human and I need to be loved/just like everybody else does
  • Current Music
    Break - The Newsboys