May 31st, 2003



She's finally going to go see someone to get meds for her lung infection. I'm glad. I know she's scared but not being able to breathe is even scarrier.
Sometimes I worry that she doesn't like me. She keeps saying that I don't like her. :(
I know we're still feeling each other out; I know we still have to learn each others quirks. I think I'm just not used to her sense of humour maybe?
I'm afraid that I'm going to do something really stupid to piss her off. I've done it before and totally ruined relationships over it. But I think we're both understanding people and we just need to trust each other a little more.
I don't want her to feel that I'm abandoning her but I need to get away for awhile. I'm seriously considering my week long visits to different cities. If Marc was serious about taking me to California, I'm going. While I'm gone, this means I don't get to see mam either. I'm not usually home much in the summer anyway.
*Hugs* I'm glad for this opportunity to get to know you and build a home with you.

(no subject)

Last night I watched home videos after everyone left.
I liked listening to the way I said things. I liked how my mom explained things to me.
I was upset because I know what the shrink would have said if he saw that tape. I was upset because I kept calling my sister by the nickname my father had given her.

I know I am becomming a slave to my medication. I know once I start taking Epival, I'll let it sweep me under; I'll let it take hold of me.

Excerpt from an ICQ chat I had yesterday: This really hurts my mom, her knowing that I'm not okay. She's always known a little. I could tell her that I wasn't feeling well and she knew I didn't mean physically, but she always asks me when I can get off the meds and I keep telling her I don't think I can and that this has been my whole life.

Maybe these brief relapses are normal. I know there was a time a few months ago that I was afraid the Celexa had stopped working...

Well, I don't know. I've made the decision to talk about it with my doctor next time I see her and for now I need to concentrate on what I'm gonna do about my academic status at McMaster.
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