April 7th, 2003


Confused worry

I'm worried about him. I don't think he is ever going to be the same again. I think the next time he steps foot in the door he will burst into tears. I'm convinced that he is going to be riddled with guilt and plagued with regret. I want to forgive him; I wish things didn't have to be this way. I know that this isn't my fault, but I still don't know if I handled it properly.
For now, I am grateful for the friends I have in this city and that they are dependable and caring. I have no idea how I would have made it through this without someone to turn to.
I wish Emery would stop making me feel like I'm leaving him in a lurch and that people would stop asking questions. I've had so many unstable guys do this sort of thing to me; it leads me to think I must have some wierd vibe drawing them to me or something.
Well, I'm fortunate to have somewhere to go. I'm really glad for my comfort items at a time like this. I'll probably spend an incresed amount of time crying by myself, but it's just something I need to do to get through this. I think what bothers me most is that I'm not certain that I did the right thing...

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  • Current Music
    Black Black Heart - David Usher

Tired and bored

I am tired, but I cannot sleep.

I haven't slept much in over 2 weeks now.

I am attempting to kill the boredom by downloading songs from j_cat's journal, but they are pretty difficult to find at 5am.

Why am I still awake???!

*hopes to crash out soon*
  • Current Music
    Tank! - Cowboy Beebop

A Day In the Life

I think the reason I might be having difficulty sleeping is because I have so much going through my head. My dream was so messed up. There were thiese kids with this disorder that kept their parents up all night and destroyed their precious things. It was sad and aggravating. Another part involved my mom and sister and we were getting food. The part before all that, it was kinda like a real-life video game, where it was like an entire class was involved. (Imagine what the curiculum would be like!)At one point we could levitate, another part involved summoning a goddess. This reminds me of another dream I had... These dreams are haunting me! I don't want to remember anymore. How did they get in my head? I want them out.

Even the song that I've been listening to the past few days is depressing, but at the same time sort of calming. I feel like the goth chick off of The Oblongs - obsessed with death. Not that my mind is. I think I just feel surrounded by it. That it's wrapping me up. I'm not afraid, I'm mostly feeling that I'm being kept from something, but not exactly trapped.
  • Current Music
    Light Up My Room - BNL

Self pity rant

I am never going to do anything meaningful or productive. I have no group of geeks who want me involved in their projects. I have no fantastic friends who want to do something big. I have no family. I have nowhere to go. I don't want to stay here. I don't want to be like this, but the things that I want, I will never have. Why? Why must it be this way? I will never belong to your group or theirs. Always and forever I'll be the outlier and drifter because there never will be anything to be nailed down to or keep me glued. I want to do things, but don't feel welcome. I hate inviting myself into things because I can't help thinking they're only letting me join them out of pity. I don't feel wanted.
I hate these dreams that plague me. The most productive part of me. Stop it! Just stop it! Don't even try telling me to start something on my own. I have no creative worth for such things and no one who would care of the outcome anyway. Fuck you if you're even thinking of saying that you would, cuz it'd only be a passive thing.
I feel excluded from life. Like death has wrapped it arms around me, shielding me, and no one can see how lonely and bored and anxious I am behind this cloak. I want to be free. I want to be meaningful and matter for something. I want to know that I'd be missed more than just a fleeting memory or "Whatever happened to her?" I don't want the attention while I'm going through this. i want it so that I don't go through this! I want to be your friends, and his, and theirs, but I'm not good at these things, and I get hurt easily and down easily and frown easily inside. You fortunate, talented, loved people! Why do I feel like I'm in an alternate reality? I'm trying to fit in somewhere and it's just not working! I probably should have left when I had the motivation to.
Don't let me die alone.
  • Current Music
    Crawling - Linkin Park