March 26th, 2003


(no subject)

I'm trying to hold on...
I feel like an earthquake has just ruptured through the middle of my life and I'm left having to decide which piece I want to rebuild on because the crevice runs right through it.
There are so many crazy things running through my head right now: I want to be in the hospital. I want to be away from here. I want to stop hurting. I want to write crazy things inside my books and give them away. I want to minimize my possessions. I want to belong to someone. I want something to look forward to. I want to leave everything behind and just start over.
I am so detached right now. I feel that holding onto your hand is the only thing that's keeping me here on Earth right now. That if you left me, I'd drift away. That your kisses are what's keeping me alive. Not just you. Every one of you. Making it through tonight is going to be tremendously difficult. I have to fight the belief that I'm only stalling; that I'm giving up the courage that I need to take the plunge. Maybe I really do need to just start over, to forget about everything. But, "Think about it," everyone says. I'm tired of thinking. My head hurts and I'm tired - but I need to think. I want to get rid of things. Maybe I'm getting rid of everything because the one thing that I want to get rid of most, I can't. I don't want to be this person; I don't want to feel this way anymore. I want to stop hurting myself. I don't want to be the fragile victim any longer. But I don't know how.
Decision time, and I don't know who to listen to. Should I stay and continue to trudge through this quicksand, or should I pull myself out and head off? ...leave it all behind...
  • Current Mood
    scared scared

(no subject)

A picture of us... and we're all smiling. But now, this moment, all 3 of us are hurting.
All photographs do is capture lies. Maybe I'm hoping that one day the lies will become true.

Still tired

I just woke up and all I want to do is sleep all day...

I would too, if it weren't for the dr.'s appt I need to go to for my hives which are currently failing to exist (but they tend to take a little while to show up after I wake up). I went to bed with some, I even showed them to Kalena, so I know I wasn't imagining it.

(no subject)

I've offered to help you several times and you said no. What makes you think I'll be there?
You've stuck it out so long, why give up now? I'm just so tired. I'm tired of trying. I don't want to try anymore.
Right now I'm not consciously planning to die, but maybe subconsciously I am. This purging without and within.
I think you are attractive. I think a life with you could be enjoyable, but I know that that life only exists in my dreams. I don't even know you yet. Could I be falling in love with you? I know it'll hurt you. I know you won't understand, but I have to do what's right for myself. Maybe it is time to start over.

I'm reaching a dilemma with my posts. Those who read them will think it is about them, when it isn't, and the ones it is about, they won't realise it.