March 23rd, 2003



The funny thing is, I'm not feeling particularly inclined to see you today... This actually is strange. I think I'm beginning to worry that I'm going to get hurt again, that I'm going to let you walk all over me and then cry about how unfair it is. I don't think middle ground is somewhere people are supposed to dwell. I enjoy you and care about you, but I'm becomming confused again. I'm sorry that we're going to have to go through this again, but I think it's time to take another step and since I'm pretty sure your mind/feelings haven't changed, that would be a step apart. It feels like I'm victimising myself, and I don't know how to stop. I don't really want to do this, but I think it's what you want/need. Please tell me if I'm wrong. Right now I'm not sure of anything.
I think I'm finally facing facts again and learning to accept them. There's no more pretense now. There never will be an "us". I'm convinced of this now. I think that's what I need to deal with.
You see. I was being good (emotionally), accepting the way things are/were and the more you accept something, the more you have to face it. I'm not trying to say that you were my fantasy life or my dream or goal, just that there was still that little voice inside that kept hoping, even though the rational part of me knows it could never happen. That voice keeps getting quieter and quieter and speaks less and less often. I guess now is just one of those times, but at least it's getting easier to ignore. Just slightly more than a whisper now.
I want to know what you think. Please don't be afraid or hurt. I'm only being open and honest. If not, I'll see you Monday night.
  • Current Mood
    confused, slightly afraid

(no subject)

It's not like this is easy. I want to know what you think. I want to talk about this. But for once I am not going to be the one who comes to you. Well, at least not right away. Hmmm. Maybe it's okay to talk to you. I did say I'd help with your essay.
It's just that I feel that I'm always the one to complicate things. Not just with you; with everyone. Now I'm feeling guilty because I'm letting my emotions get in the way of our friendship...
I'll get over it.

(no subject)

I don't want to hurt inside
I don't want to make you be
all the things I hate inside
all the poison inside me


I have no idea what I'm doing, other than that I'm screwing everything up.
*smashes something*

(no subject)

I told you this wasn't going to be fair. What should I expect, basically using you as a form of catharsis... Maybe that's why I feel like shit, because I finally realise what I'm doing. Fuck! This isn't what I want.
  • Current Music
    I Don't Wanna Die Anymore - New Radicals

(no subject)

I've tested the waters and know how they taste
I know what you're letting go to waste
I see you stand and I know your fears
and what you've been through all these years
And burdens are subjective;
that I can see
but you know it'd be much too difficult to be me
and I told you from the start
you'd be my let down
so I wouldn't have to jump from up high to the ground

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  • Current Music
    Learning to Breathe - Switchfoot