February 20th, 2003

flight

I told you this would happen

I feel terrible for you. I knew this was going to haooen, and you wouldn't listen because of your starry eyes and floating heart. And because of the contempt and mistrust you felt towards me. I warned you she would play this game of catch and release with you, but you assured me it would be different this time. I know how much you care about her, which makes the agony so much worse. I wish I could console you, but I know you will not accept that from me. I want to tell you that you're right about me; about the things I've done lately, how I've hurt one of your best friends. But you also do not want to hear it. Perhaps it is my fault. Perhaps she only got back together with you because of the things I said, and that she didn't want you to believe them to be true. If such is the case, I apologise, although I know how little that means compared to what you're currently feeling.
You're a great guy, and I wish you'd give me a second chance, but you said you'd forgiven me, although it is clear you still hold a grudge and I am not going to push it. It is your decision. But if you read this, I want you to know that the things I have written here, I mean sincerely.
flight

My life

Last night they spoke of me moving in...
Although the room is nice and the people are great, I don't belong with them.
The other day we spoke of how well off Welfare families were compared to our standard of living. But we did not qualify.
And I realise that I could never belong with you and your priviledged lifestyle.
I always thought I had a lot of stuff for a poor kid, but when you realise that my entire belongings fit in one not so large bedroom...it's kinda sad.
Recently, with my travelling around and visiting and such, I've come to realise that wherever I may stay, I live in Hamilton. My belongings, and my "family" are there. Emery gets to play "father" because he is the most outgoing and so can complain to those who need to hear it and he organising "family" activities such as poutine night and cartoon Fridays and grocery trips. I get to be "mother" by default since I'm the only female and have cleaning compulsions. I get to bitch about the house being a disaster and the dishes not being done and making sure the garbage gets taken out. Ian is kinda like the teenager that only comes home when he needs something. He has all the toys and tries to take control of some household issues without much sucess. Now Marc is just the import sympathy child (according to Emery) and him and I have something pretty close to sibling rivalry going on when we're not trying to kill each other. We always mock ourselves about how fucked up of a family we must be with The kid always making sexually comments about the mother and the mother and teenager getting it on and the father having his mistress and a strictly plutonic relationship with mother. The other day K-girl said I should give him a try some day! I was like, "Ew. That'd be too normal." *laughs*
Anyway, I'm still trying to take more control of my life. I'm going to Mississauga for the summer, hopefully to improve some. And in the meantime I am seriously going to kick my ass back into gear so that I don't get kicked out of school. The best part is that things don't seem quite so impossible at the moment. I hope it at least stays that way if not continues to improve.