February 11th, 2003

flight

(no subject)

maybe there are no answers
it's all just lies we tell ourselves to make things more bearable
it doesn't matter what we think anyway
the higher ups always make the decisions no matter how loud the protest
and I will always put you in a place of authority over me, for it is all I know
  • Current Music
    Everything Is Automatic
flight

Don't mind me, I'm just dead.

I just don't want to be alone. It hurts and I'm afraid. I almost left class to wallow in my misery. I just want company. I am bored. I know I'm not very pleasant right now. I just don't like myself. Don't mind me, I'm just dead. Stupid drivel, isn't it? I hate being this pathetic. I hate feeling so isolated; so pushed away and uninvited. I hate having to force myself to do anything. Right now I just don't care about myself. If I can't have personal contact, I don't want any contact at all. I'll just sit here and rot in my misery.

Eventually, you have to go home.: The story of my life. I never had a safe place to go and still I don't. Can't you see I'm better off just being allowed to heal if only for one night? I just want to be safe once in awhile. I want to be cared for.

Doing this all on my own is so difficult. Heavy. My head hurts and I've lost my will. I hate this. I hate it!

I am very very broken and none of the pieces seem to fit anymore. Some of them are not even contained in myself anymore.

Okay, I'll be positive. It felt comforting when you held me and stroked me and ran your fingers through my hair. I miss it the way I miss my mother. I don't know if I can be this independant person I want to be. I feel like I'm drowning myself, trying to force myself to swin and I won't get out of the water because I don't want to seem like a quitter, no matter how hazardous or life threatening the waters may get. Maybe I just need to learn when to quit.

I don't know what's right anymore. "When I feel fear, I know I'm doing the right thing." But what if that's the right thing for you?

I don't blame you for any of this. You're just a scared and confused boy and I'm a lost girl asking you to take me somewhere neither of us have been before.

I will never be safe
I will never be sane
I will always be wierd inside
I will always be lame


Pigeons & Crumbs - Natalie Imbruglia
Gotta get back
Gotta figure out a way
I'm losing my senses to you
Where'd it go, the bluebird I should follow?
Back home, but where is home?
Guess it won't amount to much
Won't be long before I crush
I'll stand in line
Don't believe a thing they say, today
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs
All alone
But I'm in a crowded room
I'm sinking, in quick sand tonight
You pick me up, And I shine across the sky till morning, Then you colour me in
Guess it won't amount to much
Seems to me I've lost my touch
I'm back in line
Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs
Gotta get in time
Gotta get it last time
Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs
Don't believe a thing they say today
Turn around and walk away
Everything will go your way, I pray
Seems we all get lost amongst the pigeons and the crumbs

Why did I do this? I smelt faintly of your scent, from being held by you; now all I smell like is cigarette smoke. Masochistic bitch, aren't I?
  • Current Music
    Pidgeons & Crumbs - Natalie Imbruglia
flight

(no subject)

I can feel so unsexy for someone so beautiful
So unloved for someone so fine
I can feel so boring for someone so interesting
So ignorant for someone of sound mind
  • Current Music
    So Unsexy - Alanis Morissette
flight

Oh, right.

Something I wanted to share:

Today in class we watched a video called The IceMan & The Psychiatrist. It was an interview with a psychopath.

I liked him because he was honest.
flight

Excerpt from "Why a Man Needs A Woman"

by Herbert Stein

Why is this basic woman so valuable to the man? Three things:
First, she is a warm body in bed. I don't refer to sexual activity but to something that is, if possible, even more primitive: human contact.
A baby crying in its crib doesn't want conversation or a gold ring. He wants to be held and patted. Adults need that physical contact also. They need to cuddle together for warmth and comfort in an indifferent or cold world. The plain woman and plain man do that for each other.
But conversation is also important. These couples may have been talking to each other for 30 years or more. You might think they have nothing left to say. But still they can talk to each other in ways they cannot talk to anyone else. He can tell her of something good he has done without fearing she will think he is bragging. He can count on her interest and understanding.
The primary purpose of this conversation is not to convey information. Its purpose is to say "I am here, and I know that you are here."
Third, the woman serves the man's need to be needed. If no one needs you, what good are you? Other people may say they need yo. But in such relationships you are replaceable at some price. To this woman you are not replaceable at any price. That gives you the self-esteem to go out and meet the world everyday.