October 25th, 2002


Friends come and go, but you have to stay here...

...that's why they call it "house arrest".
Well, it turns out that yesterday wasn't the last time I'd leave footprints on her life, and that helps in a way, but also in some ways makes it more difficult to cope. The finality of everything, even though it hit hard, helped to start getting over it...now she may be yanked out of my life without notice, when I'd really like to keep her in it. She is such a fantastic woman. She's 92, did you know? She's already seen her husband and one of her sons pass on, and she is so independant and looks out for others. She gives the hospital staff a hard time when they deserve it and compliments then when they deserve praise. I think I admire her, and if I bring joy to her I would like to continue to do so for the rest of her life, if possible. That's why I would like to know where she's going, which she doesn't know yet. They're going to keep her for another 3 weeks yet and indefinately...
I understand that some people have to move on in order to find their place, but this isn't where she wants to be. I don't know if she understands that I care for her. I respect the elderly so much, and the deceased even moreso. I've come to understand that it may be possible that the sole reason for a certain person entering your life may be to help you find where you fit, or that you may enter their life so that they may find their place. Healing together...

Now it's time to talk about reversed roles.
First I would like to share my joy with everyone who reads this: Yesterday I found out that my grandmother can read! This made me so happy that I was having difficulty not to cry in front of her. A priest had come to visit her and left a card indicating such. When I asked her about it she took the card from me and read part of it aloud!
But at the same time she can be such a brat. (Now I know where I get it from.) For instance, tonight she wanted to get out of her wheelchair and into bed. Well, the nurse is needed to assist her but they were all busy. I told her she had to wait for the nurse. Well, as soon as my back is turned she unbuckles herself and tries to get up! I had to scold her. "You have to wait for the nurse. They know how to help you. I can't help you and if you fall I can't catch you!" Well, she goes into this fit about "you said they were coming soon and it's soon now!" (Not in those exact words.) So I had to explain to her that all the nurses were busy and that she had to wait for them. So then she rebuckles herself. Now I realised how sneaky she is. She's learned how to unbuckle herself and do it back up. Now what if she did that when one of us weren't there! If she tries to get up and walk she will fall! I think that as a part of physio they are explaining to her what has happened to her body, because today she was telling me that half of her body works and the other half she has trouble with, and yesterday she told me that she can't get her mouth to work to say what's in her heart. (On a note of clarification, most of the communication between us is fragmented and communicated through gestures and tone.)
I don't know why my aunt feels so responsible for everything. She still can't get used to the idea of putting vetz-maminia into a nursing home. She's been entertaining ideas of getting a flat in Dundas in order to care for her. I asked her if she really wanted to do that and she said "No." Well, I don't understand why she would actually do it then. I strongly hold to the moral that if you don'tn want to do something, don't. I was forced into so many things growing up that I absolutely refuse to do anything I do not want to do anymore. It's my life, and I don't have to take that, so I'm not going to. But I guess she feels guilted; none of her siblings are gonna do it...

Well, I move up to the mountain next week right after my three midterms. *mutter* I'm sure things will get strange and wierd and stressful, but I think that I'll be the one bringing sanity to the situation. (Shut up. I can hear you laughing.)


It's been a long day.
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