Peripheral (nineveh_rains) wrote,

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Told you so

Trying and wanting are two very different things. I just find things (ie. life) to be really hard. I think I get why you sent it, but it totally misses the point (simply because that isn't the point at all). "You are neurotic and depressed, it doesn't mean that you are sad." So maybe I'm the opposite of that. I don't know. I really don't know what's going on with me, whether something really is wrong with me or if I just see myself as overly victimised. My sister and I both do it, we tend to percieve people as yelling when they claim not to be and over-assume the amount of trouble we'll get for something. It makes doing anything so much more fearful and everything so much more tasking. I don't think trying to be happy has anything to do with it; I think it has more to do with trying not to hurt so much, trying not to be so afraid. Finding happiness would be a pleasant side effect. I don't think I've ever claimed not to be happy, but I do admit that I am sad a lot.
In conclusion, I appreciate it but that's not what the problem is. Things affect me and I respond, I don't see myself _looking_ for happiness, or trying to be happy. It's all about survival and not allowing the pain to become overbearing. I know you don't have these hardships and that's okay. I don't understand why these wounds won't close. {Maybe I'm not letting them, maybe I keep picking the scabs, but I really don't see how I'm doing that.}

"Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only specification is that it should run noiselessly."

Thank you.

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